The Break Away Experience

 Good bye everybody.  -Joe

 So I deleted my Reddit. This means I basically have no readers again. So I haven't been posting. Although really I should be posting more because of it. Anyways I posted about an update. So here it is: Phase 1 of my 10 year plan is complete. It is known that I bailed on everything to start over. The Break Away Experience 2.0. It's my 10 year plan. Having broken up the 10 year plan into phases I'll show you the goals of Phase 1. This is what I wanted done when I moved into the homeless shelter. 1. Enroll in college. ✅️  2. Get a full time job. ✅️  3. Find a house before school starts. ✅️  4. Get my license back and insurance. ✅️  So I'm officially onto Phase 2 now. I'm just a regular person again. I'm not homeless, I'm not poor, I'm not on probation or dealing with legal issues, I'm just a hardworking, student, paying my rent on time, saving money, and doing good.  I probably smoke too much weed and I still wish my ex was here, but fuck it... I'm...

 I've tried dating again, but talking to these other women just make me miss her more. And it's not fair how many people had their time wasted because I just ghost them without hooking up, or second dates, or any follow up whatsoever. I'm not proud of that. But they're not who I want. They're not her. I may just stay single forever.  -Butterfly. 

 You ever hear what I've heard? That you're crazy? Well shit... let me tell you something so that we can set this straight right now. Its not crazy if it works. At least we have balls. Its not us! We don't live our lives based off of the opinions of those who couldn’t take one step in our shoes, let alone a fucking mile. So shoot that shit. Crazy? Nah... I don't subscribe to that punk ass shit. Walk your walk dawg. Talk your talk dawg. And I'll do mine. You like the echo chambers? You like being told who the fuck you are? Poser! Drink your wine then tell me about addiction! Replace your dead beat loser ass mom with some AA cunt. I hated my mom too, but she can't be replaced! At least she taught me how to stand the fuck up and say it with my chest! This is MY life. I'm not going to Hell! I refuse Heaven. All that shit is is a state of mind! Jesus? He's dead.  Watch the death. Taste the death.  Walk hundreds of miles and run for your life.  Watch the death...

 Stay tuned. The Break Away Experience 2.0 may be "experiencing" a MAJOR upgrade pretty soon here! -Butterfly

 I talked to a friend. A friend? I talked to a friend today and I heard. I talked to a friend today and was heard. I talked to a friend today and saw. Was seen. Believed.  I believe I learned something about belief. It can be the mortar that holds the bricks of our future together.  The humming birds nectar. Or it can be the hammer that chisels away the foundations of our destiny.  The rats poison.  I talked to a friend today and I see.  -Butterfly 

 But I write because I have to. I write so I have an outlet. I write so I can see I have a soul. I write and hear what I'm too confused to say. I write to combat myself.  I'm going back to Idaho. I guess I could say a thing or two about that.  But no...  I won't today. Not now at least. I have 35 minutes to kill before school starts and this too could be spoken about. My gratitude... My impatience.  But no... I won't today. Not now at least.  So I'll end it here for today. I wrote and through this I feel better. Even though nobody will see it.  -Butterfly 

 As I've stated before, I absolutely ADORE hearing from those of you Break Aways who are unlucky enough to land on my blog. Comments light my day! So tell ya ol pal Butterfly...  Where are you reading from? I really want this blog to be "active". I dont want this to just be about me. I'd love to hear from you guys! And if anyone ever wants to talk....  butterflymisita@gmail.com 

To survive I had to abandon everything in my life. I needed a complete restart cause there was nothing left behind me. So... I had to pursue my dream. Fuck it why not?  For me it had to be done in a way that was extreme enough to force respect for this process. And boy, it's been a bitch starting over. I can admit that, that it's been a bitch, but now that I'm independent and I'm working towards goals I can be proud of, I can see my life will "bear fruit". If I may be so bold to believe.  You see, in the past I was always doing things the easy way. I was choosing security over fulfillment, and due to this, I damn near drank myself to death. And in a way I had. By all accounts I was dead in many ways. Dead other than the lack of a heartbeat that is. Just a dead man walking. That was me. Is it still? I sure hope not. I liked the easy way. I liked it because well... it was easy. Simple right? Because I did not believe in myself I drank. And that was easy too. I b...

 I wish I could say otherwise, but I have a bad habit of viewing my life as a movie. I wouldn't call myself delusional, though boy, I'm only one step away. My friends call it being "delulu".  "Butterfly you so delulu".  Not quite.  I'll admit however that viewing my life as one big show is some sort of defense mechanism. And I'm not saying I'm working on changing this. I like it. It's fun. And ya know what? Fuck it. I've always believed that "it's worth it if the stories are any good".  However, I'm attempting to build a life on a foundation of truth. So yea... I take stories seriously and I seek out a life of adventure because I live when I'm a little on edge. Still though, I'll be a little real with myself.  Butterfly you're in the real world now dawg.  What's that? Who the fuck knows? But you're there. Always have been.  Temple was closed last Sunday, but it's poppin today.  I'll see you al...

Life... 5 weeks. 6 interviews. 1 offer rescinded. But it only takes 1 right? Today I was hired on the spot with a company I had previously applied to. This was a job I actually wanted before fully understanding how desperate my situation truly was. I burnt my boats after all.  Last month when I went in I was told that the position had just been filled.  Something you sick mother FUCKER!!! Though wait.... I happened to see the listing was posted again. So what do you have to lose when you have either lost everything or have thrown all that can be thrown.... far far away.  Rejection? I've already been rejected by the love of my life. What could be worse than that?  So I applied again. And while I was looking for an air pump so I could ride the 11 miles back home I received a call.  Yet another interview... Today marks the second successful completion of the three parts in phase one of The Break Away Experience 2.0.  The dream. I am officially an employed man....

Is there a point to this blog? I'd like to hear from you. And yes I mean you. Especially you... Is there a point to my words? You can always reach out if you'd like.  Is there a point in this expression? Or trying to explain? Come say hi. It'd be nice to hear from you.  Are you like me? Are you worried, hopeful, curious, ready? Where are you from? What's your vice? What makes you happy? Sad? Do you like movies? Art? TV dinners? Trampolines?  Do you think the weather is nicer when it gets hot or cold? Did you find me on Reddit? Do you have any questions about homelessness? Or the choices it takes to get there? Ever feel like Breaking Away?  Say hi. The Break Away Experience can't just be me... Or what's the point?  -Butterfly

 I found myself chasing a tweaker yesterday. Oh how this life feels so ridiculous to me. The man was chasing a child right through the park. "Run fat boy. Run!" He flipped me off. I flipped him the bird right back. Yea fuck you too buddy. He then tried to push a bicyclist off of his bike. I called the police. And I never found the child.  My friend was threatened by a tweaker yesterday. The guys pants were falling down and the man was challenging the room. More like the world really. He wanted a fight and he's lucky he didn't get one. My friend is a US Army vet. He's a chill person. Though I wouldn't like to see him snap. I woke up today. That is a good thing right? Sometimes I wonder. Though I was relieved the nightmare I had last night was only a dream, the yelling in the dorm reminded me that reality at times... Is a terrible thing.  Chaos. Dearest Chaos you are so familiar to me. I used to love you so much. You showed me that I am strong when I truly felt ...

 I remember when this started. There was just too much back and forth. Too much dishonesty. Not just from them. But from myself as well. I don't mean to say I remember everything that led up to this. I just remember that crash. That heartbreak. Not a realization, but the seed of such a thing was certainly planted. I knew when I was hanging in my crushed car, The Pal, that if I didn't die in a physical sense in that moment, then surely I would soon be dead if I didn't die in a metaphorical sense.  I still make mistakes, probably more than most men. Though not the worst. I'm not the greatest guy on the planet. Not even close. But I'm not the worst either. I strongly doubt if anybody holds that title actually. The worst? That's heavy. And I held that thought of myself for a long time.  When I crashed my car... I can't even remember if I crawled out of the windshield or if I was pulled from the door by witnesses. Both options hold memories for me. It's weird...

 It's right behind me. I know that it's reaching for me.  Demon. I hear it snicker. It taunts. It pokes. My past sees that I am leaving and I can tell that she misses me already. It plays It's tricks and trys and trys to catch me. Sometimes it fails. Other times it's close. But I am running. I'm running as hard as I can. I'm hoping for the runners high soon. I've had a good job offer get rescinded due to mine and Lillee's history. She's still hurting me after I've left and tried to help her. They don't realize that I was gone once before. The NCO came after I was gone. And when she reached out after the fact, I responded. I should have hung up that phone. Though I loved her so.  At least I think I did. More and more I feel I used her to distract myself... From myself. I was selfish. Maybe I still am. But I can't worry about the past now. And perhaps just by writing this, the past is close to snatching me up. I am so close. And I know once...

 "Freedom Over Comfort". I remember this motto now. Back from the BAE 1.0. Freedom. Freedom. To walk and skip. To joke and flirt. To be me and feel no guilt. To untie the mask and watch it fall.  Ha! Let it shatter! I watch it Break Away into a hundred million pieces and blow with the wind.  Today when I walk I believe it is with purpose. And the only person I need to impress is me. No longer a slave to the opinion of others. Like me or hate me. I.... do.... NOT.... care!  I think often of my motives. My motives now. My motives back not too long ago. And I start to recognize my silliness. Unique? Special? A man on a mission? These were things I portrayed to the world.  But the world never fell for it.  I see my attempts and I wonder. Were they attempts at all? I just filled my life with the easy options. I had no balls. I allowed the world to call me crazy, sick, a fool.  A fool I was.  I allowed this.  Today I have the power in my own hands ...

 I don't claim to be "good". It's just that I no longer believe that I am "bad".  I watched a video yesterday. It was the one where I was dancing with the Armenians. It made me happy, but then I was hit with disgust. Who am I to be happy? Who am I to find contentment.  "Life sucks and then you die." "You're a piece of shit." "You're impotent like your dad.  John! John! John!"  But this is my mother's voice. The screaming doesn't belong to me. I realize this more and more each day. But what I don't know is this.... which voice is mine?  I don't want to live like this anymore. The way I have lived. The way that I have chosen to live. To be. No, I can't live like that. So... I have to reach out to... well, what do I have to reach out to? Who? Maybe something? Maybe 'S'omething.....  But I wonder now, is Something even there? And if so, does this Something hear me? And if Something does hear me, d...

There's something about Breaking Away that places you in the present. Bye house. Bye work. Bye family. Bye social media. Bye drama. And goodbye Idaho. I'm a Cali boy anyways.  Yesterday me and the homie caught some sun and e-biked around this wonderful city. The Armenians were in town. I watched them dance and joined in with the last dance. Shit... I wasn't even offended when the old man next to me didn't want to hold my hand. I get it bro. Yet I wasn't surprised when he changed his mind. Butterfly charm baby.  Bought a new hat. Bought a wig for shits and gigs. Bought a new shirt to display Joy Division. Then I scootered past some beautiful ladies. It was windy but the bucket hat wasn't flying off! What the hell... but no worries. I had an idea. I just tipped the brim a little in hopes it'd soar. Then the wind, an amazing wing man, did it's part. Man that hat went flying! Jackpot! Ha! Then I got to hit them breaks and turn my little white ass right aroun...

 When I got the message online I wasn't as surprised as I feel I should have been. Certainly those of us who aren't use to such things would have at the very least raised a brow. Though in my case? A case where I'm so close to being fucked by life that I can smell her perfume... I could only act.  "Please be real." "Please let my response be quick enough". The stranger said it matter of factly. "I will pay you $300 for your pee". Bet. Run that. Gotcha boy. I'll be there.  The negotiations were simple. I worried about running into a guy who just wanted to see my dick. Or perhaps a freak who wanted to smell my piss. But who am I to turn down $300?  Soon I realized this dude was a novice to the grey. But I, and this is unlike me, I trusted him. To a degree at least.  The deal was done. I am drug and alcohol free after all. And I get to survive another day. And as for the weed smoking job prospect? Well he hit a low, but he was able to dodge a ...

 I've decided after doing about as much as I can do to further my situation today that I wanted to read my blog.  I have to admit that a lot of this is embarrassing. A lot of this I want to just erase. Especially the drunken heart broken posts when I was back in Idaho.  However, I promised not just those who are unfortunate enough to land here, but myself, that this blog is to remain unfiltered and unedited.  I guess it'll stay that way because this embarrassment will remind me not to drink, do drugs, or be like I was.  -Butterfly