How I Survived Today

To survive I had to abandon everything in my life, start over, and pursue my dreams. For me it had to be done in a way that was extreme enough to force respect for the process. And boy, t's been a bitch starting over.

I can admit that, that it's been a bitch, but now that I'm independent and I'm working towards goals I can be proud of, I can see my life will "bear fruit". If I may be so bold. 

You see, in the past I was always doing things the easy way. I was choosing security over fulfillment, and due to this, I damn near drank myself to death. And in a way I had. By accounts I was a dead man walking. But I liked the easy way. I liked it because well... it was easy. Simple right? Because I did not believe in myself I drank. I believed I was powerless. I definitely the history to back up this belief. I mean look at me...

So for me drinking was a way to ignore the fact that I hated myself. I hated everything about me. In drinking, for me, also was a way for me to ignore the fact that I had the power to turn my life around. 

"But it's hard"!

"Oh it's too late for me anyways"!

"I can't do it! My past will get in the way"!

These were the things I told myself daily, and they were perfect excuses to say "well my bed has been made. I can't possibly change my destiny. So why not? Might as well have another drink".

Bottoms up boys. 

Bottoms up.

It wasn’t until I realized... FUCK THAT, that I felt I actually have purpose in my life. And with purpose came the strength to stop drinking. At least for now.

I had to leave my house, quit my job, erase my contacts, delete my social media accounts, limit talking to family, and leave the entire state I was living in to move to the city and into a homeless shelter before I could feel free enough to not need alcohol. At least for now.

I had to have my own life.

Nothing worked before because I didn't want to stop drinking. I didn't want to stop drinking because I hated my life. I hated my life because I didn't have the fucking sack to take my life by the reigns and chase down a purpose. 

I wanted a life handed. 

But life doesn't play like that.

Now... I don't recommend dropping everything like I did. I think I may have moved too fast. But that's what needed to be done in my situation. 

In fact... I HIGHLY recommend you don't burn your boats. I've wondered repeatability if I have fucked up by ensuring I have zero chance of retreat. Certainly I have been hanging on by the hairs of my ass, but I've always been lucky so it's working.  At least for now.

So if you want to try what I've tried...

... don't. 

My point is that, in my experience, to stop drinking you have to feel like you have the power to overcome ANYTHING and then take the steps to conquer your life. You need something to live for and believe in. It's not just me either, I believe everyone has power. Its realizing that the power to live comes from within us that is the hard part.

It can be hard to recognize your own worth.

But for what its worth... I believe in you. I don't have the desire to drink today and my drinking was really really bad. Like REALLY bad. My drinking was so horrendously evil and dark that my life actually improved when I began smoking crank.

Now THAT'S bad.

So if today I can go without a drink then you can too! You can. You can go without a drink today. How? Because your life is in your hands and you... have... power!

You have power.

You have strength.

And you can, with these qualities that are inside of you, build a life that not only is worth living, but that you are proud of.

You can do it. 

You can.

YOU... MOTHER FUCKING... CAN!

With much love,

-Butterfly