How I Survived Today

To survive I had to abandon everything in my life. I needed a complete restart cause there was nothing left behind me. So... I had to pursue my dream. Fuck it why not? 

For me it had to be done in a way that was extreme enough to force respect for this process. And boy, it's been a bitch starting over.

I can admit that, that it's been a bitch, but now that I'm independent and I'm working towards goals I can be proud of, I can see my life will "bear fruit". If I may be so bold to believe. 

You see, in the past I was always doing things the easy way. I was choosing security over fulfillment, and due to this, I damn near drank myself to death. And in a way I had. By all accounts I was dead in many ways. Dead other than the lack of a heartbeat that is. Just a dead man walking. That was me.

Is it still?

I sure hope not.

I liked the easy way. I liked it because well... it was easy. Simple right? Because I did not believe in myself I drank. And that was easy too. I believed I was powerless, and I definitely had the kind of history to back up this belief. I mean look at me...

So for me drinking was a way to ignore the fact that I hated myself. I hated everything about me. I hated everything about life. In drinking, for me, also was a way for me to ignore the fact that I had the power to turn my life around. The power to maybe like a thing or two.

I didn't want that kind of power because, as Spiderman's dear old pop pop said, "With great power comes great responsibility". 

I never wanted responsibility.

"It's hard"!

"And it's too late for me anyways"!

"So I can't do it! My past will get in the way"!

"Why bother?"

"BUT MY TRAUMA!"

These were the things I told myself daily, and they were perfect excuses to say "well my bed has been made. I can't possibly change my destiny. So why not? Might as well have another drink".

Bottoms up boys. 

Bottoms up.

It wasn’t until I realized... FUCK THAT, that I felt as though I actually have purpose in my life. And with purpose came the strength to stop drinking. At least for now.

I had to leave my house, quit my job, erase my contacts, delete my social media accounts, limit talking to family, and leave the entire state I was living in to move to the city and into a homeless shelter. Extreme yea, but it was necessary before I could feel free enough to not need alcohol. At least for now.

I had to leave everything. And forget everybody. 

So that's what I did. Except for one girl... 

I moved on.

So now I guess I have my own life. That's something I never had in the past because I never tried before. I tried to be a part of the cult of AA. I tried the cult of Christianity. I tried the cult of Buddhism. I tried so many cults that I even tried starting my own.

This time when I was told to "just come home" I could only say "fuck you" in reply. 

I have a dream to catch.  

I know that nothing I tried ever worked before. But I was wearing a mask. I didn't want to stop drinking. I didn't want to stop drinking because I hated my life. I hated my life because I didn't have the fucking sack to take my life by the reigns and chase down a purpose. 

I wanted a life handed to me. 

But life doesn't play like that. And I don't make the rules so my game was never going work out. 

Now... I don't recommend you drop everything like I did. I think I may have moved too fast actually. And certainly I have only held on by the hairs on my ass. Though for my situation, dropping everything is what was needed to be done. Dropping everything meant letting go of a nothingness that was so heavy it was shattering me. 

I've wondered repeatability if I fucked up by burning my boats, ensuring I have zero chance of retreat. But I've always been lucky so I guess it's working for me.  At least for now.

If you want to try the things that I've tried...

... don't. 

My point is that, in my experience, to stop drinking you have to feel like you have the power to overcome ANYTHING and then take the steps to conquer your life. You need something to live for and believe in.

So why not live for, and believe in, you?

Why not escape the norm and accomplish your dreams without fear?

It's not just me either, I believe everyone has great power. Its realizing that the power to live comes from within us that is the hard part. At least it was for me.

The thing for me is that I have faith in "God". In 'S'omething. And I don't believe Gods a lonely bitch who creates broken pieces of shit. My God's a master artist. Not a moron. God gave us power.

I understand that it can be hard to recognize your own worth. I get that completely.

But it's necessary. 

And for what its worth... I believe in you. I don't have the desire to drink today. And my drinking was really really bad. Like REALLY bad. My drinking was so horrendously evil and dark that my life actually improved when I began smoking crank.

Now THAT'S bad.

So if today I could go without a drink or a drug, and today I could go to work and paid my bills, and today I took one more step closer to Peru, then you can accomplish your goals.

You can accomplish your goals! If you believe it.

 You can go without a drink, a hit, a rage fix, that sugar, sadness, or any of that shit today. How? Because your life is in your hands and you... have... power!

All together now...

We have power.

We have strength.

And we can, with these qualities that are inside of us, build a life that not only is worth living, but that we are proud of.

We can do it. 

We really can.

WE... MOTHER FUCKING... GOT THIS!

And if I can go the day without hitchhiking away from my challenges. You can do anything.

You have that power.

With much love,

-Butterfly