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The Gym Was Great. Me? Not So Much.

 Bro I was struggling in that place like a pig caught up in chicken wire. And I'll be real. I did much less weight than I used to. Had a few girls looking at me like... "who is this dork?" The cool thing is however, since I'm not interested in any of them I didn't get bothered by it. That would have been enough to get me to bail when I was younger. But today? I'm unsinkable. I saw the Judge who sent me to jail there too. She looked at me, quickly looked away, then looked back. I just smiled and couldn't help but laugh. No hard feelings your honor. We're cool.  Good day today :)  -Butterfly... Just kidding.  -Joe
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Getting More Excited By The Day

 I've decided to have faith in MY higher power, but also in myself. I've been trying to live the "AA way of life", but that shit always makes me depressed. So I decided "Im not depressed". And honestly, I'm not. I've always had a more hopeful outlook on things and, yea, I make mistakes, but things are going really well. I'm happy today. I'm just excited for life. I have a good feeling about this job tomorrow too! Ya know... AA isn't bad, it's great and I enjoy going, but I'm not just some walking, breathing, character defect. I'm a pretty good guy and I'm happy with me as a person. I have character pluses too!  I was given some literal worksheets to do for step work, and I don't agree with it. And that's ok! I think that shit is lame. This isn't 5th grade. So I stepped back from how strongly I wanted to prove myself to AA. And if I'm being honest? I guess I wanted to prove myself to a woman. Thats ok. If I ...
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Feeling Very Hopeful Today.

Deep cleaned my room. Took everything out and I found stashes from when I first moved here. Threw it all away. Put in a bunch of applications, and I was contacted about setting up an interview at a great paying job. I COMPLETELY transformed my backyard. It went from a total jungle to an amazing backyard! Found a stone pathway no one knew about. I even cleaned, filled, shocked, and chlorinated the pool. It looks great! I am not shaking, not sick, and slept last night for 8 hours! I'm going to the gym today to start day 1 of getting back in shape, and I'm all packed up to see California.
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I think I'm going to die

Ok dude. So I've been maintenance drinking. Today I'm not and dude... I am SO sick! Can't stop shaking. My head is exploding. Stomach is shredded.
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A Message To Another Thats Really For Me

 Piano doesn't have to be a career. Its expression. Its love and hatred. Its what you do when you want to smoke meth. Its a message. Its "leave me alone". Its "come all who will listen". Its "my day SUCKED". Its "my day was awesome" its "I love you". Its "I hate you".  Its peace in the mayhem bro. Sometimes I feel lost. All the time in fact. Im mad at love lost. Im mad at jail, homelessness, and drugs. Im mad at ME! But when I'm at the keys I feel at home. It's home. Even though I'm not very good. Im home.  Express yourself and dont ever give up, because if piano is your brother you'll regret not trying.  I've been playing all my life but I haven't truly thrived because I was lost too and chose drugs and homelessness.. You'll be alright and I have faith in you.  Enjoy the journey. Put yourself out there. Meet musicians. Play. It's playing after all right? Go play and be honest and the music ...
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Anybody read this anymore?

 Just wondering. 
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Recognition of root emotions.

 I guess ultimately I'm not mad. I'm sad. I miss someone who doesn’t really care about me all that much if at all and it sucks being tossed aside and forgotten.  And I'm pretty jealous too. People just out here living their best life while I was thrown away and forgotten about.  But really it's my issue. I just got to continue staying sober and working towards positivity. Not toxic positivity, but something real. True. Gratitude in such a way that I can believe in it.  So I started SleeperSeekers and that's good. Thats positivity I can believe in. 
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