The Break Away Experience

 I have tried. I've tried pretending like I'm a part of the community. But I'm not. Ive literally had handcuffs put on me for going to a meeting. So I stopped going. Now I'm fucking drinking again. I feel like I need to just LEEEEEEAVE!!!!!!!! I think I need to just get the FUCK out of here. Just take my $100 and go somewhere else. And all I have is this stupid, dipshit, attempt at a blog. Its all I have. And I "concluded" it. I suck dude... that's the problem. I suck. So what do I do now? What do I do? My family knows I'm drinking. I told them I'll leave, but they said no. I'm fully prepared to hit the streets again. Chaos is I've ever know. It's all I know right now.  I can't be in this town. I'm NOT a part of the AA Sandpoint community. I'm not. They drew the line in the sand. They made it a war. Not me. They threw me out. Now its "better"? 

 Today, after everything, this entire "Break Away Experience", has come to its final end. The conclusion of course is anti-climactic. But to say it didn't serve a purpose, that is, to me, would be to deny myself a part of my history. Today I told the girl who set all of this in motion not to talk to me. May she live in peace. But not as a part of my life. Though I love her still, immensely.  I lost myself. I didn't lose myself because of her. No, I had been gone for some time. Maybe since my birth. I believe it possible I have never truly been "me" to begin with. For I never tried. This girl, "The Songbird" recently started saying hi to me again. It's what I wanted. It's all that I have wanted from her, and now that it started I have come to realize, it's no longer something that I want. In fact, I desire the exact opposite. Now, in this moment, when things are finally shaping up to be a life I enjoy living, a life where I no longer fee...

 Tell me.

 Look.... I DO have respect for boundaries.... ok? Now I can prove it! I have NO legal restrictions anymore and I will STILL respect this person's boundaries. Because I DO care about them and I want them to be happy. So no matter how badly I'd like to say hi... I won't.  I can't fix things.  I can't save anybody, but myself.  And I'm not the "magic" king who has the answers for life.  Its just nice that today I can respect boundaries by choice as opposed to by force.  That's how it should have always been. But what can I say? I'm a fool.  Its a good day. 

 I’m just lying here thinking. I’m not even Going to bother. ​No more need for My suspicions. I’m only enjoying the weather. ​I’m daydreaming, I’m cloud watching— there’s nothing else left For me to do. There's  nothing else left For me to prove. ​I’ve tossed it all away.  I've lost my fucking mind. I've given the poison All that I am Yea I know its been Killing me But I'll take a change, I'll take anything I can ​So I’m daydreaming, I’m cloud watching— Because there’s nothing Else left for me to try There's nothing left  For me at all. ​I’m daydreaming, I’m cloud watching— Now there’s nothing left There's nothing left, Of me.