The Break Away Experience

 What I've done....  I guess there's not much to say about this. But what I've done is for sanity. Though insane to most. This is for sanity.  I arrived at an island. And I've burned my boats. So now what? Well... there's no going back. Going forward I may fail, however I can't believe this. Though again... to think on it with any honesty... I actually may fail.  But quitting isn’t an option. I said it in the past. I said it on my first post. To grow old and grey only to look back on my life and regret it is a fate worse than failure.  To quit and go back is death. To go back? I'll never go back.  I burned my boats intentionally so that to fall back will never be an option.  Prayers are nice. Good vibes too. Whatever God is bored enough to hear us... yea her. Send whatever you got to me. Because my boats are burned. I'm on the island, sleeping in their ashes. And though I'm happier than I've ever been... I still get scared.  I need your energy no...

 Brick wall? Climb. Red tape? Scissors. It won't be like this forever. When my thumb begins to float I remember the road. My road. One that takes you away from Point A but never arrives at Point B. Hear no? Thanks.  Get rejected?  Keep moving.  I won't be here forever. When I think of quitting I remember the chaos. Sometimes I thrive in it. Sometimes it scares me. However, it never leads to purpose.  Purpose....  Oh how I desire purpose.  I have the vision. I play it in my head, like a movie when I'm stuck. I know, or at least I believe, I can prevail. But only when I keep going.  My life. I won't be here.... it won't be like this.... Forever.  I won't quit.  -Butterfly 

"To Trust Ourselves Is To Trust Our Higher Power" I look around and I believe what I witness is a severe lack of confidence in our own strength as individuals. I do not believe that it is only I who has survived immense levels of pain and mayhem in my own life, it is that I see strength and courage in so many others that I have had the pleasure of observing. Is this all God? Who can say? Surely it isn't myself who is the decider of such monumental questions. No, though I do have an opinion, and I am selfish, and perhaps foolish enough to share mine. I am of the belief that it would be to deprive any God who may have had a part in our existence the proper respect they deserve, to say they do all. Know all. Wouldn't that be to say that an artist as great as those who have imagined, not only the world, but the very fabric of our universe has no faith? Why create living beings only to do everything for them? Is there only one God? Is that God so lonely that they...

 To think... what if? It brings me anxiety. Just the thought. To think back on Idaho and how I actually wanted to be one of them. To be like they are. To see what they see. To think if I had continued to listen, try to impress, strive to belong....  If I had continued the AA path I was attempting I'd still be in Idaho. After being released from jail (LAST TIME I GET HEMMED UP I SWEAR) I'd be 31 years old living with mom. I'd be lucky to bring home $15,000 a year. I would not be in school nor would I have purpose. I'd be drinking myself to death. I'd have no friend's, no ambitions, no sanity, and I'd be as dull and gray as those I surrounded myself with.  Today I live. Truly live. This is the Break Away I dreamt of. No cult. Community.  I'm so excited with how far things have progressed in such a short amount of time. The pieces are coming together. A drink is so far from my reality today. I don't live with gossipping sexists and hypocrites. I have fr...

 You have to know how to roll with the punches. With corporate property management hiding fees until you read a lease agreement, with "ghost job" postings, managers who don't show up when you go to a scheduled interview, property managers who don't show up to a scheduled viewing, homeless shelters, going to the wrong campus, and so on and so forth. You have to keep going. When you hit a brick wall you climb. When you hit another one you jump, amd claw, and scratch. You have to grind. But to have the motivation to grind you need to know why you're doing it. Its been hard down here in the city. But I have purpose here. I'm so grateful to be away from Idaho. The gossip, the shit talking, the two faced hypocrisy. I feel as though I escaped a dead end existence and purpose has been infused into my life. I can't even understand why I wanted to drink so much. Well... maybe I do. My life was going nowhere. So through it all? I'm thrilled to be independent agai...

 We walked the plains together. We witnessed the death and the chaos. You, my readers, and my friends, reached out when I was literally in a hole I found while the coyotes swarmed and snarled.  We hitchhiked together. We were attacked, jailed, belittled, and shamed.  We crashed cars, escaped hospitals, experienced heart ache and capture.  All this for nothing? No. I refuse to believe that. You see... The Break Away Experience is my literal DREAM! I think about it all the time. However, the way I went about things the last time was ALL WRONG.  I was a man spiraling. I was a man hurt, lost, and confused. I thought the BAE was a movement, a cause, and an answer.  Remember "Find Yourself. Conquer your fears. Learn your limits. And meet your God"? I sure do. But I let my ego get in my own way. I don't want to be a leader. I want to be a friend to those who are like me. And I need a solid foundation if I'm ever to help another.  So I'm back in Spokane. This ...