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How I Survived Today

To survive I had to abandon everything in my life, start over, and pursue my dreams. For me it had to be done in a way that was extreme enough to force respect for the process. It's been a bitch starting over, I can admit that, but now I'm independent and I'm working towards goals I can be proud of. I can see my life will "bear fruit" if I may be so bold.  you see, in the past I was always doing things the easy way. I was choosing security over fulfillment and due to this, I damn near drank myself to death. And in a way I had. I was a dead man walking. But liked the easy way. This was because I did not believe in myself. I believed I was powerless. I had the history to back up this belief. I mean look at me... For me drinking was a way to ignore the fact I that I hated myself. I hated everything about me. Drinking was a way for me to ignore the fact that I had the power to turn my life around.  "But it's hard"! "Oh it's too late for me anywa...
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I Can No Longer Deny....

 I wish I could say otherwise, but I have a bad habit of viewing my life as a movie. I wouldn't call myself delusional, though boy, I'm only one step away. My friends call it being "delulu".  "Butterfly you so delulu".  Not quite.  I'll admit however that viewing my life as one big show is some sort of defense mechanism. And I'm not saying I'm working on changing this. I like it. It's fun. And ya know what? Fuck it. I've always believed that "it's worth it if the stories are any good".  However, I'm attempting to build a life on a foundation of truth. So yea... I take stories seriously and I seek out a life of adventure because I live when I'm a little on edge. Still though, I'll be a little real with myself.  Butterfly you're in the real world now dawg.  What's that? Who the fuck knows? But you're there. Always have been.  Temple was closed last Sunday, but it's poppin today.  I'll see you al...
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I Fucking Did It!!!!

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Life... 5 weeks. 6 interviews. 1 offer rescinded. But it only takes 1 right? Today I was hired on the spot with a company I had previously applied to. This was a job I actually wanted before fully understanding how desperate my situation truly was. I burnt my boats after all.  Last month when I went in I was told that the position had just been filled.  Something you sick mother FUCKER!!! Though wait.... I happened to see the listing was posted again. So what do you have to lose when you have either lost everything or have thrown all that can be thrown.... far far away.  Rejection? I've already been rejected by the love of my life. What could be worse than that?  So I applied again. And while I was looking for an air pump so I could ride the 11 miles back home I received a call.  Yet another interview... Today marks the second successful completion of the three parts in phase one of The Break Away Experience 2.0.  The dream. I am officially an employed man....
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What's The Point?

Is there a point to this blog? I'd like to hear from you. And yes I mean you. Especially you... Is there a point to my words? You can always reach out if you'd like.  Is there a point in this expression? Or trying to explain? Come say hi. It'd be nice to hear from you.  Are you like me? Are you worried, hopeful, curious, ready? Where are you from? What's your vice? What makes you happy? Sad? Do you like movies? Art? TV dinners? Trampolines?  Do you think the weather is nicer when it gets hot or cold? Did you find me on Reddit? Do you have any questions about homelessness? Or the choices it takes to get there? Ever feel like Breaking Away?  Say hi. The Break Away Experience can't just be me... Or what's the point?  -Butterfly
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Dear Chaos,

 I found myself chasing a tweaker yesterday. Oh how this life feels so ridiculous to me. The man was chasing a child right through the park. "Run fat boy. Run!" He flipped me off. I flipped him the bird right back. Yea fuck you too buddy. He then tried to push a bicyclist off of his bike. I called the police. And I never found the child.  My friend was threatened by a tweaker yesterday. The guys pants were falling down and the man was challenging the room. More like the world really. He wanted a fight and he's lucky he didn't get one. My friend is a US Army vet. He's a chill person. Though I wouldn't like to see him snap. I woke up today. That is a good thing right? Sometimes I wonder. Though I was relieved the nightmare I had last night was only a dream, the yelling in the dorm reminded me that reality at times... Is a terrible thing.  Chaos. Dearest Chaos you are so familiar to me. I used to love you so much. You showed me that I am strong when I truly felt ...
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I Am Selfish

 I remember when this started. There was just too much back and forth. Too much dishonesty. Not just from them. But from myself as well. I don't mean to say I remember everything that led up to this. I just remember that crash. That heartbreak. Not a realization, but the seed of such a thing was certainly planted. I knew when I was hanging in my crushed car, The Pal, that if I didn't die in a physical sense in that moment, then surely I would soon be dead if I didn't die in a metaphorical sense.  I still make mistakes, probably more than most men. Though not the worst. I'm not the greatest guy on the planet. Not even close. But I'm not the worst either. I strongly doubt if anybody holds that title actually. The worst? That's heavy. And I held that thought of myself for a long time.  When I crashed my car... I can't even remember if I crawled out of the windshield or if I was pulled from the door by witnesses. Both options hold memories for me. It's weird...
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My Past Is Still Trying

 It's right behind me. I know that it's reaching for me.  Demon. I hear it snicker. It taunts. It pokes. My past sees that I am leaving and I can tell that she misses me already. It plays It's tricks and trys and trys to catch me. Sometimes it fails. Other times it's close. But I am running. I'm running as hard as I can. I'm hoping for the runners high soon. I've had a good job offer get rescinded due to mine and Lillee's history. She's still hurting me after I've left and tried to help her. They don't realize that I was gone once before. The NCO came after I was gone. And when she reached out after the fact, I responded. I should have hung up that phone. Though I loved her so.  At least I think I did. More and more I feel I used her to distract myself... From myself. I was selfish. Maybe I still am. But I can't worry about the past now. And perhaps just by writing this, the past is close to snatching me up. I am so close. And I know once...
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