Dear Chaos,

 I found myself chasing a tweaker yesterday. Oh how this life feels so ridiculous to me. The man was chasing a child right through the park.

"Run fat boy. Run!"

He flipped me off. I flipped him the bird right back. Yea fuck you too buddy. He then tried to push a bicyclist off of his bike. I called the police. And I never found the child. 

My friend was threatened by a tweaker yesterday. The guys pants were falling down and the man was challenging the room. More like the world really. He wanted a fight and he's lucky he didn't get one. My friend is a US Army vet. He's a chill person. Though I wouldn't like to see him snap.

I woke up today. That is a good thing right? Sometimes I wonder. Though I was relieved the nightmare I had last night was only a dream, the yelling in the dorm reminded me that reality at times...

Is a terrible thing. 

Chaos. Dearest Chaos you are so familiar to me. I used to love you so much. You showed me that I am strong when I truly felt weak.

Dear Chaos, we were so close, you and I. So it can be hard for me to say this. It can be so hard. I mean, you were there throughout my entire life. When I was alone, I could still hear you through the walls, the trees, across the streets from me. 

You were right by my bush, my box, my bunk, my cell, my room, my car, my hospital bed.

Day or night.

Dear Chaos... When I was alone there was at least you beside me in one grotesque form or the other. And you kept me out of my head.

When I was alone...

there was always you. 

So it is hard for me to say goodbye. 

You're the only one I've ever known.

But you've kept me from ever knowing myself. You handed me the mask and told me I was justified in putting it on. My personality was shaped by you. 

So goodbye dear Chaos. 

Goodbye.

You are a persistent lover. Truly the most persistent, and you hold on tight to those who feed you. I must admit...

You are a lot like me.

It was you who raised me after all.

My mom was too drunk. My dad was too scared of my mom. My sister was too autistic. My brother was too broken.

It was you who taught me everything that I know after all.

But goodbye dear Chaos. I suppose I should thank you for making me strong. And thank you for showing me that I can survive. 

However, I can take it from here. Theres Something else that has my back now.

 Your time in my life is reaching it's end.  And I am happy to say the curtain is crashing down on you. May it shatter your spine. May it destroy your ability to sneak towards, scream at, and chase down my soul.

You create shells out of men. I have seen your art. 

I refuse to be another masterpiece in your portfolio.

You made me strong enough to survive this life.

 You made me strong enough to survive my own foolish decisions and the fires that my choices rained down on my life.

And now I am strong enough to walk away from you. I am strong enough to avoid telling myself I am weak for living a good life.

And I am special because I am me. 

All the people of Earth are special, in their own way, because there is only one of each man, woman, and child. 

Yes... even the tweakers are special. Or at the very least have that potential.

Dear Chaos I will from here on out be your enemy. I'll win some battles. And you dear chaos will win some battles. 

But from here on out...  I swear to you that I will never seek you out again. You are no friend. You are my foe.

I won't give up in this war against you.

I owe you nothing.

You are a thief and a murderer. A pillager. A destroyer.

Thank you for the lessons.

Until we meet again on the battlefield...

Farewell. 

-Butterfly