I don't claim to be "good"

 I don't claim to be "good". It's just that I no longer believe that I am "bad". 

I watched a video yesterday. It was the one where I was dancing with the Armenians. It made me happy, but then I was hit with disgust. Who am I to be happy? Who am I to find contentment. 

"Life sucks and then you die."

"You're a piece of shit."

"You're impotent like your dad.  John! John! John!" 

But this is my mother's voice. The screaming doesn't belong to me. I realize this more and more each day. But what I don't know is this.... which voice is mine? 

I don't want to live like this anymore. The way I have lived. The way that I have chosen to live. To be. No, I can't live like that. So... I have to reach out to... well, what do I have to reach out to? Who? Maybe something? Maybe 'S'omething..... 

But I wonder now, is Something even there? And if so, does this Something hear me? And if Something does hear me, does he, she, it, or they really care? When I do remember or desire to speak to Something, is it really Something that I speak to? Or is it only myself? Does it matter? If just talking makes me feel better then it's a good thing right? I suppose. Though do I deserve to feel better at all?

Fuck yes! Fuck yes! God yes! Yes I do!

I must tell myself this. I deserve to feel better. If I don't then what would be the point of Breaking Away? Why not just stay trapped in the confines of misery and chaos?

I must yell at myself. I deserve to be a better man.

And if feeling better makes me a better man, a kinder person, a better listener, more empathetic and helpful, sincere, then the world deserves it too. 

I choose to believe the world is mostly good. People do what they can. 

I walked through the woods yesterday. The heat was nice. The river was clean. And I heard laughter in the distance. One day I too will float down a river with people I care for and who care for me. And through all of this, a little bird landed on a twig directly above me and it didn't flee. It watched me. As if to say "Hello Butterfly". 

Well... hello bird. Nice day yea?

Then with that pause, it hit me. Life is good. Then I smiled. A real one. 

With nobody around, with no humor expressed, no woman to impress, and no manager to convince... I smiled. Just a little ol Butterfly smiling in peace. It was the present moment I had arrived in. A true Break Away Experience. Finally.

At times, back in the world before, when I'd sit in jail, or rehab, or in a hospital, or just on some city street somewhere, I would day dream often of a clean river, a cigarette, and of having the sense that a war is over. 

An exhalation.

An appreciation.

A realization. 

That I have survived and that I am happy about it.

Yesterday I lived that dream. And in that moment.... everything was ok.

I skipped and spun on the way back to my friend and for maybe the first time in my life I felt good. No performance. No act. No expectations.

Just me in this world. Our world.

Our world.

Our world!

All of ours!

Our playground. Our testing plane. Our battlefield.

Our home.

Something do you hear me? If you do....

Well... thanks.

-Butterfly