What this blog and "The Break Away Experience" is truly about.

Tonight I spoke with a man around my age about learning, growth, and having no fear of death. The conversation was short, yet to me, it was potent. 

I stepped outside for a smoke after watching a woman sing and play the piano and as I rolled up my cigarette the man asked me how I was doing. Being polite I told him that I was so far so good and asked him how he was. 

What he told me was "Any day above water is a good day". 

I liked that. I actually liked that a lot. 

He told me of how he had almost drowned and explained that when he found himself upside down on the wrong side of the surface he found peace watching the sun reflect off the water above him. 

He learned that day that death was nothing to fear, and I too hold this belief.

I wish I could remember the conversation word for word in its entirety so I could properly relay it all here, but I don't. However I can tell you how the conversation ended before he simply got up and walked away. 

"Life is what you make it"


When I was in jail I had come up with a concept that I enjoyed calling "The Break Away Experience". The idea behind the "BAE" was to show people how to live with nothing at all. To demonstrate that life truly IS what we make it.
It was going to have four goals:

•Discover yourself
•Find YOUR God
•Conquer your fears
•Learn your limits

As I would snort instant coffee (can somebody say addict mentality?) I would tell my buddies around the Spade table how when I got released I would guide people to true happiness even without ownership of any material possessions. 

Looking back it was a fucking stupid plan as I myself have no sense of inner peace, and when I was released my first thought was to try getting a job and a house. Seriously.... my first instinct was to fall back into line, be a good little boy, and play by societies rules. And that's almost exactly what I did.

Though having now refused the job and the house I have realized I am in the perfect position to seek out love for myself by focusing my energy on human connection and facing my fear of being alone. I also hope to challenge my ego and fight back against my pride which has been getting in my way and fucking up my relationships. 

I've renamed this blog "The Break Away Experience" because that's really what this journey is all about. Breaking Away. Breaking away from the "real world" for awhile, breaking away from societal expectations of me, breaking away from my pride, my ego, my fucking bullshit attitude, and breaking away from me! 


Tonight it hit me that "The Break Away Experience" isn't stupid. It might be crazy, but stupid it is not. What was stupid was thinking I could teach "BAE" without having truly experienced it for myself. It's not others who need to learn how to live with nothing. It's ME who needs to learn how to live with nothing. 

I have been homeless many times in the past, but this will be the first time that I will fully embrace the experience of homelessness and use it as an opportunity for growth. So let us now just consider this as one big experiment. I want to see if I can survive, I want to see if I can find contentment, I want to see who will accept me for me and not for what I have, and I want to see if I'll ever be able to love myself. I want to see if I can rise above all this a stronger version of myself on the other side. A better version of myself... because the old me SUCKED!!!

I still think I'll probably die somewhere down the road eventually during this journey, but now I'm starting to believe that maybe this doesn't have to be a suicide mission or some kind of subconscious death wish. Maybe this doesn't have to be a big "fuck off" to the problems I had back in the "real world". Maybe this can actually be worth something. 

Pray for your ol pal Butterfly because I think shits about to get real.

For once in my life.... things may finally become truthful. 


Peace,
-Butterfly.