Well I confessed to my PO

 So a big part, if not the only part, of The Break Away Experience is to find authenticity with myself. I'm tired of trying to follow my head. Im tired of the belief that my heart is wrong. 

If anything... I want my head and my heart to align and I'm no longer interested in trying to be somebody that I am not. 

I fuckin HATE masks! 

Ive been telling my PO that I have no interest in Lillee Mae and that she's somebody I have no respect for. 

I told her this because its what I thought my PO would want to hear. 

But when she asked me about things today I couldnt hold back anymore. 

I told her straight up...

I LOVE HER DARCI!!! I LOVE HER!!!

"I'm not angry with Lillee Mae. I love seeing her at meetings. I'm hurt because of all of this. I don't blame Lillee Mae.... I blame myself. I miss her. I want to fix her headlight. And I hope shes doing ok. I love her... I'm not mad at her. And my views on AA isnt all on her. Most of it is from my walk through the desert, the Buddhists, and my time with the natives". 

 I explained that I had thought if I could hate her I could forget her. 

But I CAN'T hate her. I still get mad when anybody talks shit about her, and I can't find a single ounce of interest in these other women who find interest in me. 

Apparently my PO already knows I still love Lillee Mae and she likes hearing how I truly feel more than my bullshit. 

I told her that I don't think its wrong for me to love her. And my PO doesnt think so either. 

Anyways.... I guess the secrets out. 

Good day today for this old degenerate. I make a lot more money at this job than I thought I would. Almost 40k a year. Thats good for a clown like me. 

I can finally afford that real estate course. 

Things are really really good right now.

And I am.... 

My PO wants me to heal for me. I want that too. 

I am doing this for me. I'm not proud of my past. I don't want to be a bad guy. But my past doesn't define me. I will no longer allow it to bring me down. I can't change that shit. And though I've fucked up A LOT. I've been selfish, Arrogant, insecure, too quick to fight. A lot of what Ive done I've done to survive. 

But I'm not surviving anymore. I'm living. 

Though Lillee Mae is still very much in my heart. And I'd be lying if I said our relationship isn't a part of my attempts at being better. I WILL become the man that she deserves. With or without Lillee Mae in my life.... I AM going to become the man that a woman like her deserves. 

I just wish I could be that man for her too as much as I will become for myself. 

-Butterfly. 

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