Turned the TV off

 Lately... I suppose it has been a decision motivated by fear. I have slept with my TV on. Fear of what? Fear of the thoughts swimming in my head and the feelings drowning in my heart. 

Conflict. 

A war between logic and passion. 

In the fox hole of my mind I sought refuge in noise. A blockade. 

I didn’t want to think of the heartbreak. 

The Spokane Man. 

The past, or the future. 

Eternity, or what that even is.

The void we must return to. 

Me.

So I slept. A half sleep really, as noise pollution and flashing lights slipped and slid against the walls. 

My last visit to jail, only one of so many, yes, I had an awakening. At least I hope that is what it was. 

And yes, I feel myself anew after the acknowledgement that I gave my heart to a French speaking, pianist, back in the Golden City. 

Though to deny I never felt love for Lillee would be to deny a blaring truth. 

I am a man, a romantic, a foolish day dreamer, and my heart has intertwined with the hearts of many. And though pieces remain with all those that I have cared for, it does not mean the crumbs I had left to give were inauthentic. 

Lillee Mae was a songbird. And my love for her was genuine. Though, and perhaps its been far too long procrastinated, I have begrudgingly come to admit. 

These loves, passions, chances for togetherness and connection with another...

Were distractions. 

I never wanted, nor do I want now, to approach the traumas in my past. And its easy to sidestep mom, drugs, regrets and my many catastrophic misdeeds when I am in the midst of my denials. My delusions of grandeur that say. 

You can help them! 

You can then maybe, just maybe, be special. 

I was given back my heart that night not long ago in that all too familiar jail cell. 

So last night... 

I turned off the TV. 

And finally.... 

I slept. 

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. 

Today is all that we have.

And it belongs to us all. 

-Butterfly

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