To say Jodie has nothing to do with it

 To say losing Jodie hasnt motivated my self sabatoging behaviors these past few years would be to deny a love that will forever burn within me. 

We had our music. Every part of our love was nothing but passion. Every bit. Wrong. 

But our music was pure and when she vanished so to did my heart for music. 

I could never lay my hand on another key. 

I could never play another note, chord, emotion. 

For to lose her was to lose a piece of myself. 

To say I never used the girl would be to deny a fundamental flaw withing my very soul. 

It is I who is selfish. 

I who is my own enemy. 

I gave my heart to the pastors wife. 

Ive hurt more than is fair to the world. 

I can never betray another. In these acts of foolish pride, arrogance, and ego. 

Is it only myself who feels?

Whose heart beats?

More and more I see no. 

I gave away an IOU and claimed it was my all. 

This mask shall die. And with it my old self. 

I'm a prick. 

A trickster. 

A fiene for love. 

Though I know not what love is. 

For I have never loved my own being. 

Today I live. 

And in this life I must be different. 

I threw away my music because I threw away my soul.

Lord return it. 

-Butterfly


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