There's nothing wrong with disliking AA

 I don't like AA anymore. I stopped liking AA as soon as people I had known started telling Lillee to leave me. And after The Break Away Experience on top of Lillee trying to have me arrested. I'm just not into it. 

One kids sponsor told him to stop being a fire fighter. Guarantee that kid will regret that. 

People are just TOO... INVOLVED. 

I like the Buddhists. Recovery Dharma is awesome and Buddhist Temples are more in line with what I believe in. 

I like the natives spirituality.  Prayer circles and smudging and singing the Bear Song and the Otter Song and shouting warrior cries is more like me. 

I like building dream catchers and swimming naked and shit like that. 

To me AA is just boring. I don't believe in it and I'm not going to go more than what's required of me. 

Not to say AA is bad, but its not a good program for gullible people. To be happy in AA you have to remember everybody is equal. You can't let people tell you who you are. And you have to fight and learn discretion. 

It takes time. 

And after almost 17 years of following AA in various degrees I just have finally accepted it's not for me. 

If I'm not in a circle, holding an eagle feather in my left hand, while praying for those that I love.... Lillee Mae, my aunty Jen, Lex...

Then fuck it.

I'm conflicted between regret that I ever introduced Lillee to AA, and gratitude. Because if Lillee's happy then I am too. 

But I think she's sucked into something she doesn't fully understand. She's not stupid.... 

She's not stupid by any means. That girl is HIGHLY intelligent. 

But she'll say things in meetings like "I'm glad AA only has one requirement". 

She knows that's not true. Her and her AA buddies added requirements for me to go. 

But fuck me right? 

Although she's a grown ass woman and can make her own decisions. Though AA isn't where you'll find a replacement for your mom. 

I know this because I tried that too. 

Anyways... the thing is.... I don't like AA. And that's ok. They say "if you want what we have you'll do whatever it takes". 

Well.... 

I don't want what they have. 

I'm not scared to be different and I'm not scared of relapse. 

I've relapsed many times and to be honest. I've learned more from my relapses than I have in meetings or AA fellowship. 

I'm honestly not really scared of anything besides my sister dying or never speaking to Lillee again. 

I get more when I'm not in AA. 

In AA I feel myself trying to conform. And conforming isn't really my style. 

I'm not sick, I don't have a diesease, and I'm not powerless. 

I just make bad choices when I'm lashing out like a child because I didn't get my way. So I throw fuckin temper tantrums. I stomp my fit, mope around like a bitch. Take my shit out on other people, then get the fuck its and Break Away, but this time it'll be different. 

I feel that in my soul.

I walked the desert for this. 

I became Butterfly for this. 

I'm not going to sit here and say "I'm sick" or "I'm disturbed" because I'm not. 

To me that's a cop out. 

I don't need a book written almost 90 years ago to tell me how to live or when I'm fucking up. 

I know it probably seems like I've got to be one of the stupidest, donkey brained, doofuses around. But I'm not. I'm actually pretty smart. I just have this constant conflict between what I'm told to do and what my heart sings for. 

AA doesn’t nourish my soul. 

I don't join cults.... I start them. 

Anyways. I'm feeling really good right now after deciding to leave the meeting. 

Plus it's kinda awkward. I gave my number to a few women after getting angry last week and now I'm not really responding, but I see them too. 

I don't want to be a dick.

But until I get my heart in order....

Until I mend my broken heart... 

My heart has been given to Lillee Mae, by me, and I still haven’t reclaimed it. 

I'm not interested in any other woman. 

I'm starting to claim some solace. Although its hard. I got 3k in saving and I'm VERY tempted to go buy this van. 

Got pause inked into my wrist though for a reason. Gonna remember that right now.

-Butterfly

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