Today

  I've been thinkin... I got two pots. A Pot of shit, and a pot of blessings. 

Pot of Blessings: Today I am blessed. I had a great day at work, and a kick ass workout at the gym. I met these girls there who were hella chill. Not interested obviously, my hearts still taken. But it was nice. I don't have to report to my PO anymore when I go to the gym. My therapist took me out of one of my therapy sessions because I'm so clearly not violent. That saves $140 a month! I found a dooooope entertainment center for my big ass TV

aaaand.......... 

I FOUND MY FUCKING KEYBOARD CORD!!!! I'M BACK ON THE KEYS BOOOOOIIIIII! 

Anybody still read this? Should I post my new song on YouTube? "A Walk Through Chaos"? Let me know!

What's the Pot of Shit?

My ex doesn't know me. Why? Because she never asked. She just says I'm crazy and have no values and that I'm a terrible person.

An example: She had told me her love language was "physical touch". 

"When I get happy I can feel it in my ears" she tells me. So what do I do? I put my hand on her leg in meetings. Its her love language right? 

No. I was wrong. She said I was possessing her. 

I had just wanted to hear her. I wanted to put what she told me into practice because I wanted her to know I.... LOVE.... HER. 

But she never could accept that. She wanted me to be bad so badly, but god forbid she talks to me about it. Nah, it's easier to go to a bunch of women who have never said a word to me and tell them how evil I am. She wanted pats on the hand and validation. 

Why do I waste my time thinking about this girl?

Well it's because I gave her my heart. I gave this girl my fucking HEART man! I still haven't reclaimed it. I'm so mad at her and disappointed. But really I'm mad at her friends and mad at myself. 

There's so much I could have done differently to be a better man to her. I think I was just so wrapped up in trying to be perfect that I forgot to actually listen to her. I wanted to solve her problems when really she doesn’t need me to. I acted like I had all the answers. Ironic really. I guess after I found out she was making fun of me behind my back that I wanted to prove her wrong.  I told her maybe 5% of the shit I've been through and I found myself stuck. 

How do I possibly explain my story to her without sounding even more crazy? I wanted to prove to her I'm not as bad as she thinks, but I wasn't ready to explain to her what my life had actually been. All my fuckups, the pain I experienced, the pain I watched others experience. The fear, the confusion, the failures, the small triumphs that normal people don't care about. The fucking COLD! Being cold, like for real for real cold. Its hard to explain. How could I possibly show her I'm not crazy without showing her just how crazy things had truly been? I had tried to side step the reality of my existence. If she had seen what I have done, what I didn't do, but should have done, where I fucked up and why. 

Just.... EVERYTHING. 

If I had shown her me I don't think she would have ever tried stripping me of my freedom. 

I didn't listen to her. Near the end I tried to, but by then it was too late. 

But that's my problem. These thoughts are my pot of shit. And I focus too much on her. 

I loved her. My heart is broken and it probably will be for a very long time. But each day is better than the last. This chick hates me. Its so clear. Try to strip a man of his freedom and you hate that man. Period. 

My ex is a good person though. I have a lot of resentment and can rant here anonymously. She hurt me BAD. I hurt her too. But she's a good person and just because I'm honestly really mad at her doesn’t mean I want her to be miserable. She just fucked me over at the end, but I think she just listens to ANYBODY who isn't me.

I blame myself and her friends mostly. Got a soft spot for the girl. Just can't stay mad at her. 

I hope it works out for her. In fact it's not a hope. It will work out for her. I still believe in her and pray over her dreamcatchers. 

Calling cops and trying to get people arrested always pisses me off. I'm a street guy, what can I say? 

I'm prayin to whatever the fuck God has the patience to hear me ramble on and on that she gets blessed and blessed and blessed. 

As for me? Been chillin by the river lately. I've been feeling guilty. But I realize that I didn’t kill that man, I didn't give that girl the drugs and did get passersby to call 911, and I didn't beat that kid. 

Its not my fault any of that happened. 

And I've been sad. I used to really enjoy meetings, but I introduced my ex to them and not long afterwards people started distancing themselves from me. 

I've pretty much lost all trust in these AA folks in this town. But the newcomers are my people. I've been sad I can't "fellowship", but I realized I don't even want to. Church raves? Bingo? Nah bruh... shits not me.

Forever an underdog, rebel child, independent thinker, wanderer, and a little wild. 

Those are the people I want to chill with. And they're around. They're REAL. And they make their own choices. I find them at work, the gym, the lake, the trails, and yes.... even at AA. 

I like the people who say "yea bruh... this my life. Its a fuckin wild ride, and I barely know what I'm doing. I fuck up a lot, but Im getting better". I dont want lectures or advice from strangers. I don't want to study literature from 1939 that an acid fueled man who treated his wife like SHIT wrote. I've read it, it's a good book, but Bill W isn’t a God. He took advantage of women dude. He's a human and I'm not going to deify him. He ain't "Something" that's for sure. 

I want connections. Real connections. Nobody's telling me to make my bed. I already do it. 

P.S. Anybody here ever have the cops called on you because you attended an AA meeting? I've been asking a lot of people and thus far I can't find anybody who can relate to that kind of frustration. Hit me up. 

-Butterly.