To step off a rail

When I think of the love I have lost, I think of what may have been... And at times I have considered, can I breathe now? 

At a bridges edge. Watching the rush of a river in Spokane.... I don’t know if I ever would have had the courage to leap. That great leap forward into the unknown. A return to the void from which I came. But as I stood and pondered the consequences of the actions I have taken. A ski mask, a glove, a pen, two sets of clothes on at once. 

A fifth smashed.

A revolver in my hand on a wasted Halloween.

Two identical birthday cards. Both containing two dollar bills and saying the same thing. 

"You are as unique and special as this two dollar bill"

A hole that leads to a quiet spot under the road...

A letter and a cartoon.

A tooter to geek. A shack in a dead town.

A jogger.

"I have nothing" 

Good... I wanted nothing.

I understood... I can't jump. I won't jump. And it was never Lillee who had me climb on that edge. It was when I believed my only chance at life was two more years in a state of locked down oppression. Two more years of Christ based recovery. 

Two more years of self imposed oppression that I could not accept. 

Yes.... I thought of the girl. In two years where would she be? Probably ruling the world. Probably in love with a man who isn’t a wild man. But a man who uses logic where all I've known is passion and emotion. 

And me? I'd be here. 

Still a man with nothing to offer the world. 

A shell. 

So no... I wouldn't jump. I couldn't jump. But if I had slipped on the ice covered rail? I would have been fine with it. 

And if I had been liberated from the constant stream of thoughts that raged and crashed as the current below me had in that moment. 

As I did in an effort to escape the police and what I deserved. 

I truly would have broken away. 

I truly would have escaped myself.

And maybe then.... I finally may have had that ever so desired conversation with the mother universe who imagined me. 

The Artist....

The Spirit....

The Force.... 

The one who understands me. For her thoughts are my thoughts, although my thoughts will never be hers. 

I believe now that I have a purpose. I believe now that I don't have a right to end something that was never truly mine to begin with. 

My life. 

I will never return to rehab. 

I will never return to jail. 

I am free! 

And I believe now that I can help somebody. Though its not yet my time to do so. For I let my ego run away with my heart. 

I think back to that bridge and all the reasons I didn't jump....

Or to that park after I realized I'm physically attractive, but emotionally vacant. 

And why I didn’t hang myself. 

Have I allowed myself to live because I am scared to die?

Or is it that I am no longer afraid to live?

Is that hope? 

I hope so. 

To all who have felt like me. 

Lost..... 

Alone...... 

We are NOT! 

I will go on another pilgrimage. I pray I find the others like me. The weary and the forgotten. The weirdos and confused. 

We underdogs. 

We go forward. 

I go forward. 

-Butterfly 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Update On A Vagabond

Image
I guess that's it then. A new life somewhere is out there. All past is gone and is lost. They're all gone now. I find myself alone, once again, in a room full of people. I made it through the plains and thats good enough for me. They coyotes were screaming and the light was nowhere to be found. I told God that if he has something to prove, well then the plains was the place to do it. My knife was out as the coyotes teased me in the night when some kid screeched past me in the middle of nowhere. I believe we scared eachother, but he was a friend and had me hop in his truck. Don't ask me how it happened. He doesn't even usually drive through that way, but was avoiding the main roads due to the snowstorm. Perhaps it was divine intervention? I should be dead.  So many times over... I should be dead.  The question now is how? How the fuck am I even alive? Other than Evan of course. Or better yet... why?  Am I supposed to be here or is that just my ego speaking. B...
Read more

Intro to My Journey

Image
Hello. My friends call me Butterfly.  Since October 2024 I've been involved in 3 foot pursuits, 2 car chases, 1 minor car accident, 1 major car accident, 2 hospital visits, 1 hospital escape, and multiple hitchhiking adventures. I've been back to jail, had 2 relapses, and I literally froze under a bridge. I was tackled and had cops with guns out screaming at me to get down on the frozen concrete. This and so much more. Actions of a desperate and foolish man who was spiraling. A choice I made alone.  So I lost everything. I lost my job, my house, my car, my freedom, and the worst of it all, the love of my life hates me man. It all started with "Just one", but after it all... I have only one thing to say.... "worth it bro". I want none of it back.  Ya see I literally ate my windshield at 80mph (so say the cops. I can't actually remember) just so I could see that "something" let me walk away. In fact I ran away. But I never was able to...
Read more

What this blog and "The Break Away Experience" is truly about.

Image
Tonight I spoke with a man around my age about learning, growth, and having no fear of death. The conversation was short, yet to me, it was potent.  I stepped outside for a smoke after watching a woman sing and play the piano and as I rolled up my cigarette the man asked me how I was doing. Being polite I told him that I was so far so good and asked him how he was.  What he told me was "Any day above water is a good day".  I liked that. I actually liked that a lot.  He told me of how he had almost drowned and explained that when he found himself upside down on the wrong side of the surface he found peace watching the sun reflect off the water above him.  He learned that day that death was nothing to fear, and I too hold this belief. I wish I could remember the conversation word for word in its entirety so I could properly relay it all here, but I don't. However I can tell you how the conversation ended before he simply got up and walked away....
Read more