This is it!

 I have survived so much. So so much. And I'm still a good man. When an autistic kid was crying and lost at the amusement park who stepped up? I did! 

And ya know what? A lot of us are good men and women. A whole lot. In fact, most people probably.  I like anti heros. 

Anti heros are the best characters honestly. 

Underdogs? Love those guys. 

fuck perfection. Fuck flawlessness. Fuck God too if they're perfect! 

If we're made in Gods image then obviously God isnt perfect. Not according to the Bible at least. Which isn't even a book technically.  Its a compilation..

I'm so sick of the show. The fucking performance. I want authenticity. Thats what I want. Something real. 

I'm not claiming I'm real or that I know what "real" even is. But I know what "real" isnt. Im looking for something. Something real dude.

The speaker tonight said "If you want what we have. Do the work". 

I'll do the work bitch. But not your way. I DON'T want what these people have. 

I don't want a life sentence. 

I want to smoke some mutha fuckin weed bro. On God. 

But I dont want to live a script. 

There's so much PASSION in this world. I don't see it in AA. Where is the RAW mother fuckin PASSION? 

Nobody is howling at the moon? 

Why? 

A story:

I was at the Grand Canyon once in my early 20s. My fuckin dog died. They all did.  I wasn't even CLOSE to saving Duke with CPR. 

So I started drinking again. At the Grand Canyon they have a shuttle that will take you all over. 

I was looking at native ruins, I went on a guided fossil trail, I saw a demonstration and speech about Condors. 

And I was drunk as FUUUUUCK. 

Later in the the day I hopped a hand rail. 

NEVER do this people. 

And I was drinkin, crying, and just looking at the utterly BEAUTIFUL Grand Canyon. I was praying for Duke, Cassandra, and Morticia. 

Whoops..... 

I started sliding towards the edge. 

I was going to die. I even dropped my beer. 

The rocks were loose and I was dead. 

My skinny little butt stopped very close to the edge however. I had slid into a dip. 

After that? Holy shit man. I got back to the trail FAST, climbed on the shuttle, got more over priced beer, then moved on. 

Almost dying is one thing. But almost dying when you KNOW it's coming? Thats a different kinda scary. 

Anyways.... I went to a spot that was an outlook. 

The Sun was starting to set and the view was glorious! 

In the middle of the look out was a big boulder. 

I climbed on that jank, looked out at the view, and I fucking HOWLED. 

Some people left, and honestly I'm sorry I ruined that spot for them. 

But a group started howling too! Then more people started howling and we were are yelling and laughing. 

I wasnt the only pissed off scared person there. 

Those people who pitied my pathetic ass and howled with me? 

They saved me.

They fucking saved me man. 

I love humanity. I love the real ones. 

And not because I have too. 

But because I just do. 

Fuck, I'm a mess. 

God help me. 

Almost 90 days clean

-Butterfly. 

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