Sincerely hate getting flirted with.

 It used to be awesome when women would flirt with me, but now I just fuckin hate it. 

Its just awkward now. I won't flirt back. If I'm helping a customer ya know... I'm polite obviously, but its blatant how uninterested I am in anybody. If I'm grocery shopping I've pretended not to hear them.

My hearts taken. I'm not interested. 

If anybody ever reads this and they understand heartbreak.... well, get in touch with me. I want to know how to forget about her. She hates me. I need to forget. 

Today's going well though. I'm PUMPED today! Its like all the energy I pent up TRYING to be "normal" is pouring out of me now. I feel 20 dude. In a job where speed is important this is good. 

I love the 8 to 4 shift. In fact I just love my job. Its a nice little transitional occupation while I figure out what's next. 

A life without the obsession for drugs is nice too. I can admit that now. Did anybody ever know that? I don't know why I never told anybody that my real problem is drugs. Alcohols bad too, but I just LOOOVED drugs. I think I've told people alcohol was my worst problem because it's more socially acceptable. 

Plus alcohol has caused me more problems due to black outs. Drugs don't cause that.

I thought about crank this morning, but it passed quickly. 

This blog is actually helping me a lot with just the outpouring of emotions with no judgement. Thanks Sasha. 

My ex was so judgemental all the time of me. Everything I did was wrong. But I tried dude. 

But still, I was so sure I was going to marry her one day. Though now that's unfortunately gone bye bye.

Sucks.

 So I'm happy with my job while I figure out whats next. 

Keep doing good Butterfly. It'll be ok. 

I think I'll stay in Idaho for awhile maybe. At least finish probation. 

I am tired. Tired of running. 

Its just hard with all the constant reminders. 

But its been harder before.

Stoked for the gym at least.

Stoked for life. 

Really am. 

Thank you God. Thanks for turning the wheels on Jodies car so I didn't get thrown off that cliff. 

I'm happy to be alive. Finally!

I didn't kill that man. I probably couldn't have saved him. I have to stop feeling guilty that I didn't save him. I don't think I could have. I couldn't even save my relationship.

But still... fucking sucks. 

I hope he's somewhere better and that if he had any family they are ok. 

Be with that man God. 

-Butterfly

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