AA here makes me feel bad

 Its honestly crazy. I used to absolutely LOVE AA in this town. But ever sense I introduced my ex to AA here, it has sucked. 

Now it's completely poisoned. My ex and her crew of soul sucking bitches have completely ruined the experience for me. How this girl sleeps at night is insane. She comes into my support group and starts talking shit, airing my dirty laundry, and telling one sided stories? Like bruh... the fuck is your problem? I was telling people shes great and to be friends with her and she was telling people I'm trash. She's a highly intelligent woman so theres absolutely NO FUCKING WAY she didn’t know her rumors wouldn't spread like wild fire.

I fucked up though because people warned me that people like my ex just play victim. And looking back she did do that. I watched her abandon like 6 people, blame them for her insecurities, then turn her back on them. She's such a judgemental, two faced and unloyal, little grub dude. But I "believed in her". Still do. I thought this older woman she was friends with who cut her out was an asshole. But I get it now. I get it bro. Wish I could forget her as easily as the woman who watched her dog did. Speaking of.... she abandoned her fucking dog too! The actual fuck?

I don't know why I made so many excuses for her. Probably because I saw through the mask she wears. When she was authentic I loved her so damn much. But its easy to tell when people are just regurgitating what other people say. I saw past the times when she was just repeating what other people told her because when she was REAL.... she was the absolute BEST! When she acted from the heart? A fuckin stellar person dude. But when she let people tell her that I'm so bad it was so god damned hard. She wasn't even able to realize that the people who told her I'm trash only believed that because she told them that. The worst though, and what REALLY upsets me, is that she let's people tell HER who SHE is!!! Thats what drove me crazy. She doesn't realize how fucking awesome she is and she let's this LAMES guide her. FUCK THAT GIRL!!! BE YOU!!! Her little sponsor talks about having no reason to live. Now this bitch is giving my ex advice? Oh... my... God. 

After the second time she broke up with me and we got back together my friend's and family were trying to tell me to stay away from her. Find somebody who cares about me. They told me I was not myself anymore in the relationship. That I was more sad and stressed. I wasn't the jokey goof ball that I normally was anymore. And even told that they missed the old me. They told me they were concerned about me. They asked how I could get in a relationship with somebody who just trauma dumped their childhood on me the first time we hung out, or why I'd date somebody that told me they could have somebody killed. And I told them because I can relate to her. I get it. I can be somebody who loves her when she feels unloved. 

Looking back that first or second hangout really set the tone for the entire fucking relationship. 

She love bombed me dude. I'm abusive? She fuckin love bombed and gaslighted me. 

Look at me? I'm still heavily effected by this shit and I've never tripped on somebody like this. 

But I always made excuses. I told them that my ex is special and that she was just going through a lot of changes. I told them that she was a great person and that they couldn't talk about her because THEY.... DIDN'T... KNOW HER! Give her a chance. Don't talk about her like that.

Lol I'm an idiot bruh. 

 Its just triggering. I see these assholes who are costing me $600 a month and tried robbing my freedom at every meeting I go to. They talk shit behind your back then smile at you in a crowd. I don't want to connect with anybody here. I think everybody's advice sucks, I don't trust anybody in AA here, and I'm just ready to be done with it. 

My ex, her friends, and everybody involved are so two faced it honestly disgusts me. 

Almost able to drive though. Then I'll be able to hit up AA out of town. Probably be going to Spokane a lot. I miss that city. 

Almost there Joe. Almost there. 

Almost able to do The Break Away Experience the right way. 

Almost there Butterfly.

-Butterfly

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