Really should stop going to AA

 Ya know.... I think about The Break Away Experience, exercises, and "An Unlikely Awakening for Ryan Tick" most of my days. I think about how I'm alive and how nice it is to be sober. I think about how I'm going to be able to drive again soon. I think about how lucky I am and whats something good to watch on YouTube. I think about the piano and meeting new friends and how when I prove to the Judge that I'm not dangerous I'll be able to swim again. I think about diet and how to control my hunger. I think about if I don't stop eating ice cream and crying at romance movies I'm going to get fat no matter how much or how hard I work out lol. I think about my cat. Little Elizabeth... My queen. I think about that guy I watched die. I think about tattoos and new friends I've made. I think about God and if he, she, it, or they were here. PHYSICALLY HERE.... what would they say? And how can I get better in touch with that force. The force through which the green stem blooms the rose. I think about how I can be a better man. I think about how weird it is that I'm not even close to flattered when random women flirt with me anymore. I think about how nice my little hit out front, my office, is.

But really I think about adventure. South East Asia. Flordia. I'm so excited to be off probation so I can get a passport and see the world. At least leave the state for a little bit.  I really truly think I can see the world and help people one day. Id love to help kids who are like I was. Alone with nobody to hear them. Kids with mean moms or mean dads. Kids who have siblings that beat them and parents who threaten suicide and own guns. I truly think I can help somebody even if it's just one. And I think about stories and experiences. I think about helping addicts or people who were homeless like me. I think about how I first need to help me. 

But these AA meetings ALWAYS remind me of my ex. I don't think about her all day. But I do, I admit it, I love her still. I gave her my heart. I see these women who talked shit about me. They told her I was bad, and I can't forget my ex when I see these people. 

I've never had a broken heart before. It hurts man. 

They called the FUCKING COPS on me dude! I didnt even talk to my ex or see her!

They knew I would have gotten TWO YEARS! Noone cared. People came up to me all the time and told me how wrong it all was, but where the fuck were they when everything was happening? Seriously.... not one person defended me? 

The person I introduced to AA hated me so much that she tried having me arrested for going to the same meetings I got her into. 

I hadn't spoken to her in weeks at that point. Her and her friends only did that because fuck me, my sobriety, my feelings, my heart, my freedom. Because they hate me. 

Her friend always had a problem with me.

I'll be petty, fuck it, nobody reads this DEAD ASS FUCKING THING ANYWAYS!!!! 

Her friend is the dumbest sack of rocks I've ever met dude. Good luck having an original thought dude. Good luck working a printer! Thanks for telling me I look like shit for no reason at all. 

It pisses me off that people like Jett and Pam give my ex advice. They'll never be HALF the woman my ex is. And they give her advice. Un.... fucking... believable dude!

AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! 

How am I supposed to forget about the love of my life when I see these people every day? 

I fucking miss her! Is that wrong?!?

But I CAN move on. Its not like I don't know she hates me. I'm a lot of things, but I'm not stupid. She hates me. I get it. She won't even look at me dude. She won't even look at me. She told the judge she relapsed because of me.

I know she hates me!

But I dont think about her all the time. 

Maybe I'm just weak, but I'm not like my ex. I'm not like everybody else it seems. 

I can't just forget about people I really care about. Not.... at.... all. Not easily.

Seeing these people every day isn't helping me. Its hurting me. 

Its hurting me. 

I think once I hit my 90 I'll stop going to meetings. My ex is gone. She wants nothing to do with me and I don't want to be reminded of how she's forgotten about me and how she'd be happier if I was just locked up and rotting. 

She knows how whether or not she presses charges on me that its up to the prosecutor. I almost went to jail because of going to that meeting. 

she told me for months how she was going to drop that order, then when I came back home she called the police. 

She told me a few hours before calling the cops that she was dropping the order then called the cops. 

She says "Im not helping you anymore with your legal problems". 

She never helped me though. Its a phone call. She never helped me with anything. If she did I wouldn't have this $300 bracelet on my ankle. Probably just listening to people like Pam. Good job taking my phone list Pam. When I was really hurt. Then calling the cops. 

A couple men are upset with me now for giving her their numbers. I fucked up. That phone list was meant for me. And I gave it to Pam. I just didn't want to fucking hear her talk. 

Ok Pam... just take it dude. Thats what I did. Just take the list Pam and leave me the FUCK alone! 

I broke anonymity by giving her that list. I didn't realize how huge of a fuck up it was until men complained to me that she had their number. 

I'M SORRY GUYS! I wouldn't want that crazy bitch having my number either. 

I'm sorry. 

I need to forget my ex. That'll never happen in these meetings.

She hates me, but I still love her. 

I can't go to AA anymore man :(

It has been a huge part of my life too. Since '09 :'(

Ugh.... what am I going to do? I need AA to stay sober, but it hurts being reminded of her.

-Butterfly 

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