My Dogs tried ruining Christmas

 At the meeting tonight the clown speaking to kick off the meeting said he doesn't think Californians should be in Idaho.

Why? Because he isn't about this life. This break away. He's not like us. The underdogs. The ones who want desperately to escape the confines of our own minds and let their passions explode into the universe to find the world. The life they were meant to live. To reach, reach, reach towards something higher. Something to look back on and say...... 

I did that... 

US!

To one day say... look at this ripple effect. And know it was us..... 

We were the pebble. See the ripple reach the shore?

We did that. 

Don't you see what we did?

To reach, reach, REACH someone else and connect. Real connection without fear of right or wrong or what they think because we know that we're ok and have accepted that if we are ok.... 

So too must they then be. 

Acceptance. 

I fail at this. 

Tonight Lillee was at the meeting. As she walked in she saw me talking to another woman. I can't tell her this, and I know she doesn’t care. But I'd love for her to know that there is absolutely.... not even close..... no other woman on this EARTH that I'd rather talk to over her. I'd choose Lillee Mae over any woman alive. If I had my choice of any woman to love and be loved by. I'd choose Lillee any day of the week and twice on Sunday. 

I don't care that she's hurt me. Although I care that I too have hurt her. I had been wearing a mask that I deluded myself into believing did not exist. I wanted to be unique, special, interesting, responsible, wise, intelligent. 

I wanted to be normal. 

So I wore a mask. I became what I hate. A fake. 

I want to roll in mud. I want to howl at the moon, I want to scream the Bear Song and smudge dream catchers for those that I love. I want to succumb to my passions and paint myself before running naked through a forest. 

I want to write. I want to tell my story.

Tonight a young man said he gave up a career that was his "passion". 

His sponsors told him too. 

I wonder if I was the only one with "No kid... NOOOO!" on the tip of my lips. 

Sponsors arent career experts, relationship gurus, life coaches!

Sponsors are there to share their experience, strength, and hope. Thats it. And help with steps. 

I'm controlling? What about your sponsors Lillee Mae? 

Why was Pam lurking outside the meeting like a.... oh I don't know..... A STALKER!?!?

If it had anything to do with keeping me away from you she needn't waste her time. I won't bother you. I'll leave you alone. I'll bail before the meetings over so you won't be forced into a circle with me. 

I'll leave girl. 

You get more out of AA then me. 

Though it literally strangles my heart to see you and see how you won't even look at me. I won't bother you. 

Because I love you. I'll walk away. Because I love you I'll work on me. And because I love you.... I'll wait. 

I'll wait. 

I guess she drinks Arizona Tea now. She had wanted me to stop buying her Yerba Mate tea because she said it wasn't healthy. At that time in my life I was going to barber school, commuted like 3 hours a day, then went straight to work afterwards. 

Stopping in to say hi and get her a snack and a tea was always the highlight of my day. 

I wish I could get her a tea right now.

And great... now I'm getting loud at meetings? 

I want to show Lillee that I'm not wild and crazy yet here I am... getting loud because this chair person directly contradicted his own topic by dissing my home state. The flowers I wear in my skin. 

But I am wild. I like that about me honestly. I'm wild, but I'm not the only one. I'm not crazy. Just me babe. Just me.

I say "THATS CUTE. THATS REAL FUCKING CUTE MAN. NICE... CHRIST.... WHAT THE FUCK?"

I can't be quiet anymore. I can't be normal anymore. If I ever even was. I can't fake it. I cant fucking be FAKE anymore!!! 

Doesn't anybody hear me..... 

I cant be fake anymore.

But she probably didn't hear me anyways. I think she just totally blocks me out. 

Tonight the topic was theres only one requirement to be in AA. 

I guess besides dumping your boyfriend. Or maybe it's besides going to court to fight for your right to be at meetings? 

They say AA doesn't force people out. They forced me out though. Multiple times. They called the cops on me for going to AA. 

But I'm not bad. I'm not dangerous. Each meeting I see Lillee at paints perfectly the picture of our story. 

She's knows.... she knows. 

But tonight I have a distraction. My dogs.... those sneaky, back stabbing, traitors almost ruined my August Christmas. 

They ate my sandwich while my back was turned. After the pats I gave them and the treats. 

They decided that enough was enough. They too had reached their limit. As I have reached the limit of my own fakeness. They decided tonight was the night they would make a stand. 

They're tired of dog food while they watch me eat great meal after great meal. They decided theyd get a taste. 

Just a taste. 

Just like I want just a taste of something better. Something REAL!

If I didnt respect their actions so strongly I'd be mad, but ya know.... 

Fuck it dawg. 

I needed an extra trip to Walmart anyways just to do something. 

I love those dogs. 

I love my family.

I love my cat.

I love Lillee Mae.

And I love my life. 

Thank you for saving my life God. 

I didn't kill that man. 

-Butterfly


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