Let me explain this love

I don't have readers. So I read my own blog. Someone has too.  


Reading this makes it seem like I have an idealized version of Lillee Mae that isn't based in reality. It makes it sound as if I don't love Lillee for who she truly is, but a version of her that I've created in my own mind. 


This isn't true. 


Lillee lied to me and she would gossip about me. She made fun of me behind my back. She blamed me for everything and would project her insecurities on me. She tried having me arrested. She is insecure and she is not a fighter. She is extremely flawed.


She went to court to try making sure I couldn't be in the same meetings as her, then after she failed, she goes to the night meetings that she knows I go to.


Don't get me wrong.... I'm not complaining. I like seeing her. But still... that was fucking stupid bro. Fucked up honestly. I got her to these rooms dude.


She never introduced me to her family, I went to her house maybe twice, her and her friends fuckin destroyed my relationship with AA, and Lillee purposefully looked for any negative she could find about me. Then told everybody how bad I was. 


I asked her if she cared if I had beer. She said no, but if it became a problem she'd help me work on it. 


I had one beer and she dumped me right before Christmas. She ignored me when I was trying to meet her for our agreed upon ice skating date. 


She had ZERO TOLERANCE for drinking suddenly. Though when she started drinking again she blamed me in court for it. When she started drinking when I was sober, I again encouraged her BACK into AA.


I recognize how flawed she is and how toxic she can be....


Bro she spent the holidays with fucking Jett. Who I have absolutely ZERO respect for. Jetts such a fucking dumbass dude. I honestly have a hard time not hating Jett. That loud bitch is not a good person. 


She's stupid. 


I do NOT have Lillee on a pedestal. 


I don't love her because I think shes this perfect little angel who can do no wrong. 


I love her despite of her bullshit. 


I love the real woman that she is. Not some idea of her. I love HER for who she truly is. 


I'm not trying to bash her. I'm acknowledging what I've experienced. 


She's somebody who is special. That's fact. She's not perfect. Perfects boring anyways. 


Shes worth loving despite her flaws. 


Have you seen my bullshit? I'm flawed too. 


Im arrogant as fuck, wild, quick to fight, quick to bail, and I play victim too.


Me and her? We're human. 


I'm human. 


This isn't some hallmark RomCom. She's not Reese Witherspoon playin softball and Im not sexy ass Paul Rudd. 


I just think its important for me to write down that I understand Lillee isn’t perfect. 


Trust me.... thats ABUNDANTLY clear! 


But I love her anyways. Her positive traits and her many strengths GREATLY outweigh her flaws in my opinion. I see her for who she is. And I like what I see. 


For the most part. Not all of it. 


I love her. 


I'm not perfect either... duh.... secrets out. 


Just read this blog.... I'm not even close to perfect. 


I am just acknowledging that Lillee isn’t a dream. She a real woman. A real human being with issues. But she's my dream girl. Flaws and all. 


My love of Lillee Mae isn't a blind romanticism based on a need to fill a hole in my life that only a creation of her in my mind can fill. 


I love her in her totality. 


The good, the bad, and the ugly. 


Despite all of the hurt... I still think the world of her and care deeply for her.


I'm not over here just looking for a partner. I don't want a fairytale. I want her! So... sense I can't have her I'll just work on myself. I'm staying single.... maybe forever bro, because I don't want just any woman. I want her. Imperfections and all. 


-Butterfly

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Update On A Vagabond

Image
I guess that's it then. A new life somewhere is out there. All past is gone and is lost. They're all gone now. I find myself alone, once again, in a room full of people. I made it through the plains and thats good enough for me. They coyotes were screaming and the light was nowhere to be found. I told God that if he has something to prove, well then the plains was the place to do it. My knife was out as the coyotes teased me in the night when some kid screeched past me in the middle of nowhere. I believe we scared eachother, but he was a friend and had me hop in his truck. Don't ask me how it happened. He doesn't even usually drive through that way, but was avoiding the main roads due to the snowstorm. Perhaps it was divine intervention? I should be dead.  So many times over... I should be dead.  The question now is how? How the fuck am I even alive? Other than Evan of course. Or better yet... why?  Am I supposed to be here or is that just my ego speaking. B...
Read more

Intro to My Journey

Image
Hello. My friends call me Butterfly.  Since October 2024 I've been involved in 3 foot pursuits, 2 car chases, 1 minor car accident, 1 major car accident, 2 hospital visits, 1 hospital escape, and multiple hitchhiking adventures. I've been back to jail, had 2 relapses, and I literally froze under a bridge. I was tackled and had cops with guns out screaming at me to get down on the frozen concrete. This and so much more. Actions of a desperate and foolish man who was spiraling. A choice I made alone.  So I lost everything. I lost my job, my house, my car, my freedom, and the worst of it all, the love of my life hates me man. It all started with "Just one", but after it all... I have only one thing to say.... "worth it bro". I want none of it back.  Ya see I literally ate my windshield at 80mph (so say the cops. I can't actually remember) just so I could see that "something" let me walk away. In fact I ran away. But I never was able to...
Read more

What this blog and "The Break Away Experience" is truly about.

Image
Tonight I spoke with a man around my age about learning, growth, and having no fear of death. The conversation was short, yet to me, it was potent.  I stepped outside for a smoke after watching a woman sing and play the piano and as I rolled up my cigarette the man asked me how I was doing. Being polite I told him that I was so far so good and asked him how he was.  What he told me was "Any day above water is a good day".  I liked that. I actually liked that a lot.  He told me of how he had almost drowned and explained that when he found himself upside down on the wrong side of the surface he found peace watching the sun reflect off the water above him.  He learned that day that death was nothing to fear, and I too hold this belief. I wish I could remember the conversation word for word in its entirety so I could properly relay it all here, but I don't. However I can tell you how the conversation ended before he simply got up and walked away....
Read more