In court.

 In court I said "I'll never make that mistake again" and "I'll never communicate with her again" and "I want nothing to do with her".

How blatantly false that was. 

My PO made me remove any and all mention of me loving her. 

But dude.... if she spoke to me..... I would speak back. 

Crazy right? Nah... I don’t think so. 

I'm excited for another Break Away Experience. I want to do a vision quest really badly, and today I found a van that I can afford. 

Not buying it though.... I can chill a little bit. 

But I am not crazy. I love this woman and now I see her all the time. 

She came back into my life once ya know. She said that she loved me and was getting the order dropped. 

That was a huge part of my returning to Idaho. 

I thought I could save my relationship with the flawed fuckin weirdo that I love so much. 

I still believe she'll start trusting herself and when she does. She's going to THRIVE!!! 

Now Id like somebody else to try and just "forget about that bitch" when you love them and you see her friends, the friends who said nothing TO me, but everything ABOUT me, everyday. 

Bet you couldn't.

Not if you loved them. 

And she's not a bitch.

Man... sometimes I feel like I should leave NOW! But really... I hope she comes to the meeting. Maybe she'll look at me? Lol.... I doubt it though. 

I sound obsessed... I'm not. I love her, but I use this blog to vent about heartbreak and the tyrant weirdos in AA who think they can control people. 

I hate hypocrites dude. And people say i controlled Lillee, but I was tryin to get her to open up so she would NEVER be controlled. Now shes controlled because people tell her shes sick, dieseased, powerless, and disturbed.

Shes not. 

Shes full of shit. 

But shes not powerless. She doesn’t even realize her true power. And with God on her side? That fucking woman can do ANYTHING!

She doesn't need to be insecure, doubt herself, feel bad, or be so untrusting of herself.

She is capable of absolutely anything. 

Still think shes a leader, but leadership doesn't just happen.

God don't let her ever become some overbearing AA sponsor weirdo who tries to run other people's lives. I can't see that happen. But obviously I'm wrong a lot.

Oh well....

Its still a good day. Better than the last. Cheat day bro. Gonna get me a big ass lunch today. 

Heard? 

But I should probably reconsider my workout schedule so Im not eating shit than going and working out. 

Isnt life fun? Uncertainty and learning to live with it is exciting. 

Even if you're not walking through a desert.

-Butterfly

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