If God would speak.

 To break away from society? 

Or to break away from my lies? 

I'm still forcing myself to feel a way I don't truly feel. I want to be mad at Lillee, but I'm not. I want to hate her, but I don't.  

If I truly just stop twisting and turning in a futile attempt to complete this mental gymnastics routine I'm in, I can feel better. 

That's what always kills me. 

Denial.... 

I love her. Im not wrong for that. 

And I don't believe she wants to hurt me. Its just easier to accept that shes gone when shes an enemy. 

I love her. 

I wonder if there is a God often. I wonder if he, she, it, or they are disappointed in me. If there is in fact a God, I wonder if they're indifferent. 

I dont like religion. To me it has a lot of the same shit AA has. People who are just as clueless as the rest of us. As clueless as me, acting like they know anything at all. 

I don't like being around people who put their beliefs on God. I don't like people who pretend they know my heart either. They know me as well as I know them. 

Not at all.

And really.... I don't know shit. 

All I know is that I love Lillee Mae....

I'm better sober.... 

And that I'm starting to like life. If only slowly, it comes quicker. Sometimes it comes in a trickle. Other days it comes in waves. 

But acceptance and peace is coming more often these days I've noticed.

I like who I am becoming. And I choose to believe in a God. 

I call her Something. The Force. The Fat Cat Upstairs. 

And for me? Well, I like to daydream that God would be the kinda dude who just chills. If it were me and God in a room. Mono e mono, I don't know what would be said.... but I like to think that I'd leave that room with everything.... 

Everything just making SENSE. 

Like why am I here God? Am I doing ok now? Better right? 

I mean... I'm not a criminal anymore. 

Have I done anything that made you proud of me? 

Thanks for telling me that my sister was drowning in that bath tub. 

Madre was drunk.... so my sister would have died. 

Who knows.... honestly.... who the fucks knows what God would say. Im just an ant trying to understand Google. 

But I think the Gods would allow me to leave a meeting with them in a better mood. A better man. 

I like that. 

Will I ever have that hammock by the sea? Yea I think I will. 

Wish Lillee would come. 

Though by then.... 

Maybe I won't care anymore. 

-Butterfly

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