Hammock under a palm

 I often just say what sounds good in the moment. When I avoid the fuller picture. Or that birds eye view. And I wonder why I’m running. Things aren’t bad. Sure's been worse. But those days are gone. For now. They seem so close. Though if I tried, and I won’t, to go back to where I was, if only in a memory, I doubt I’d even remember what dinner from a dumpster tastes like. Bad. But that’s easy. Those details? They’re as dead as my happiness has been becoming.

I guess things seem easier for those around me. But isn’t that what everybody thinks?

I could never truly understand. To act like I can see the world through their eyes. Or understand their minds, motivations, fear. Their humanity. Just seems wrong. It’s arrogant and it’s selfish.

Yea, I’ve been selfish before. I’d be lying if I said otherwise. And I’ll be selfish again. But I wish I could just turn that part of my brain off for a while. Or maybe even just turn it all off.

It’s nice to dream. Hell, sometimes it’s even fun. Mine is a little hammock by the water under a palm tree. No specific palm tree. No specific place. Sometimes I feel drawn to Flordia. But I don't know why. A palm tree sounds nice right? I think so, just maybe one without any rats nests above.. Though lord knows I could use the company. 

In my dreams, things are quiet. Maybe a sound of water on the shore, a bird or two, and the wind.

Peaceful.

But this isn't a dream. This is my life. It’s gone from bad to worse. And the note on my dresser really fucks things up. But a man’s gotta do what they gotta do.

Thats what they say. 

Right?

And for me? I want that hammock in a peaceful land where I’ve never been. 

So I need some money. 

So I need to chill out and stay.

Forgive me God. You know I ain’t bad.

Just lost.

At least I can admit that.

Give me grace one more time and I’ll call it quits. 

Just don’t quit on me.

You haven’t yet.

Butterfly


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Intro to My Journey

Image
Hello. My friends call me Butterfly.  Since October 2024 I've been involved in 3 foot pursuits, 2 car chases, 1 minor car accident, 1 major car accident, 2 hospital visits, 1 hospital escape, and multiple hitchhiking adventures. I've been back to jail, had 2 relapses, and I literally froze under a bridge. I was tackled and had cops with guns out screaming at me to get down on the frozen concrete. This and so much more. Actions of a desperate and foolish man who was spiraling. A choice I made alone.  So I lost everything. I lost my job, my house, my car, my freedom, and the worst of it all, the love of my life hates me man. It all started with "Just one", but after it all... I have only one thing to say.... "worth it bro". I want none of it back.  Ya see I literally ate my windshield at 80mph (so say the cops. I can't actually remember) just so I could see that "something" let me walk away. In fact I ran away. But I never was able to...
Read more

What this blog and "The Break Away Experience" is truly about.

Image
Tonight I spoke with a man around my age about learning, growth, and having no fear of death. The conversation was short, yet to me, it was potent.  I stepped outside for a smoke after watching a woman sing and play the piano and as I rolled up my cigarette the man asked me how I was doing. Being polite I told him that I was so far so good and asked him how he was.  What he told me was "Any day above water is a good day".  I liked that. I actually liked that a lot.  He told me of how he had almost drowned and explained that when he found himself upside down on the wrong side of the surface he found peace watching the sun reflect off the water above him.  He learned that day that death was nothing to fear, and I too hold this belief. I wish I could remember the conversation word for word in its entirety so I could properly relay it all here, but I don't. However I can tell you how the conversation ended before he simply got up and walked away....
Read more

Update On A Vagabond

Image
I guess that's it then. A new life somewhere is out there. All past is gone and is lost. They're all gone now. I find myself alone, once again, in a room full of people. I made it through the plains and thats good enough for me. They coyotes were screaming and the light was nowhere to be found. I told God that if he has something to prove, well then the plains was the place to do it. My knife was out as the coyotes teased me in the night when some kid screeched past me in the middle of nowhere. I believe we scared eachother, but he was a friend and had me hop in his truck. Don't ask me how it happened. He doesn't even usually drive through that way, but was avoiding the main roads due to the snowstorm. Perhaps it was divine intervention? I should be dead.  So many times over... I should be dead.  The question now is how? How the fuck am I even alive? Other than Evan of course. Or better yet... why?  Am I supposed to be here or is that just my ego speaking. B...
Read more