A Little Honesty

Let me just do a little disclaimer. My blog now is super messy. I'm not editing or rewriting and proofreading like I did when I started this. Right now I'm just expressing my raw ass thoughts because it feels good. Plus nobody reads this anymore. Its journaling without the handcramps. Future bitch. Point is. This blog is a mess. So if you're a spaceman reading this 10,000 years after my death. I'm Butterfly and I'm processing a lot right now. Enjoy.


Anyways, I came back to this state and turned myself into jail. I did this because I wanted to do the next right thing. But the way I saw doing the next right thing may not quite be how you might expect. 

I have a dream. The Break Away Experience.

I had found out that I couldn't get a passport with my warrant. Then I discovered, much to my dismay, that my warrant would NEVER go away without me handling my business. 

That's why I did what I did. I'm not a saint. And on top of that it had seemed to me that me and my ex were maybe going to fix things. So of course, because I'm a sucker for that girl I jumped on that chance fast. I thought we could adventure together. I was SO certain she'd get bored as fuck of the path she's on. I was wrong. And she's not bad for wanting to just kinda settle. But that ain't me babe. I want to see this world and I know it's attainable. 

The thing is this... The Break Away Experience is my dream. I think about it all the time. 

I'm starting to understand that I'm fucking bored dude. All this shit I'm doing is, to me, just boring as hell. Church and AA and hearing the same old shit day in and day out again and again and again is just a fucking drag in my opinion. The "performative self help" is excruciating to me. Everything said is judged. Its so cliquey and self righteous. Where my dogs at bro? 

Talking to my therapist today got me thinking like.... I think I went to court and fought my exes court order just because I hate falsity, I don't back down from fights, and if somebody tells me I can't do something.... I'm going to fuckin do it. I don't want to go to AA here or fellowship. Other people want me to. 

They say to look around you. They say find the people who have what you want and be like them. But I have been looking around, and I don't want what these people have. Sure, hard drugs and drinking are horrendous for a person like me. And yes... I don't want to partake in the world of hard core drugs and drink. But fuck man. Do I really want to sit around, "study" literature, and talk about addiction daily forever? Nope.

Do I want a sponsor telling me to make my bed and pretending they understand me? Hell nope! I get sick of that smug ass hierarchical bullshit where people act like sobriety days are a rank. I don't respect a man because he's been sober for 20 years. I respect a man for who that man is. They say everybody hears their story in AA. Well I've been doing it since '09 and still haven’t heard mine. If insanity is trying the same thing over and over and expecting a different result then why the FUCK am I doing AA? 

I just sorta have to right now. 

And yea, theres a lot of really good people in AA here. In fact I got like 20 people I'm thinking of as I write this now that I adore. But its.... so.... god.... damn... oppressive. 

You can see when people are holding back. 

Thats not me. I EXPRESS myself. The dirty and the embarrassing emotions. I express myself.

I have a dream. This doesn't make me crazy bro. I'm doing now what I have to do so I can go out, free as a bird, and chase that dream.

I've said before, and I fucking meant it, that my biggest fear is growing old and grey and looking back on a life that I regret. A regrettable life for me is one without GREAT stories. Maybe it's because I was raised by a TV, but stories to me are the most important thing. Stories, passion, love, freedom to express the messy, shitty, wild, and raw emotions that men and women feel, then process them authentically is what I want. 

There is truth, strength, beauty, art, peace, and joy out there. I have SEEN it and a lot of the time you have to wade through the pools of shit to truly appreciate a sunset, or a glass of water, or taking a dump on a toilet seat. 

Sometimes appreciation comes from a loss of everything worth caring about. 

I'm not saying I'm going to do this next Break Away Experience like my last one.  I'm just saying the Break Away Experience is still heavily on my mind. I've just been emotionally destroyed because in Spokane it sounded like my ex wanted to do it with me. We never did have an adventure. 

Am I bad for loving her? Nah man. I'm not. She's a jewel. Totally one of a kind. 

Was I wrong for trying to save what could have been if we had trusted each other? Yep. 

I tried to be something I'm not. I'm not Mr. Man. I'm mother fuckin Butterfly boi! Its time to experience my metamorphosis and earn that name. 

So yea... the Big Book is great. Like the Bible, it's a good book, but I don't blindly follow books or people. I TRY it. Some shit works, but not all of it. 

Take the bad and leave the rest. 

Im going to love my life and chase my dream and I'm not going to feel bad for being independent. 

It's just that I'm not willing to settle for a life that feels boring or inauthentic. I don't define success by societal standards but by the richness of experiences and the stories I hear and can tell. The real world is life in my opinion. I want to see it! I failed during this last try, but I wouldn't change it. 

The heartbreak over my ex is just part of this journey. But it was a lesson that trying to be someone else for a relationship is a losing game.

I don't want to lose anymore, so I'm going to be careful and not throw on an "AA mask" or anymore masks. I have learned lessons the hard way, but I miss being unfiltered. 

I've done this before. 

-Butterfly

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