My thoughts on why the first Break Away Experience failed

 I tried to fix too much.




I think I like fixing things because I like to view myself as important and want validation. I "surface fix" though. Or at least I fix the wrong shit.
I possibly surface fix due to not actually understanding what my root issues are and have failed to discover the seeds of my faulty ways because of an inability to sincerely admit that I do not know and that I need help.
Looking back now I see that I do admit my faults, however I have to wonder my motivations for doing so. I mean obviously I do tend to manipulate, and this I feel is made easier when my target views me as vulnerable.
So when I cop up to my character defects, when I confess an error, or admit I fall short am I truly doing it for the sake of transparency? I'm sure at times the answer can be a resounding yes, though I believe I may be unaware of my own true heart and that most times the answer is no.
I have always believed that the best lies incorporate a truth. A twist here, a bend there, a bit of omission and suddenly an honest situation has been molded into the key to my own desires being realized through my illegitimate claims.
The best lies use the truth sure, but have I been twisting truths or have I just been flat out lying? Lying to who you may ask? Well... lying to myself.
I have been an actor in a live improv stage production brought to you by my own delusions in a show called "Bullshit".
It seems that my attempts to help others or "fix" situations has been nothing more that an attempt by me, for me, to fit an image of myself that I'll never actually achieve because I've been living in denial. This hurts me and those around me. Seriously... just ask the many women that I've tried to help. It has never worked and  all my actions seem to be nothing more than me feeding my insatiable ego. One that  hungers more more, and more for validation as I have continually allowed my pride to be my God. I quickly have a response to situations that come toward me because I think I know it all.
But I don't know shit.
I have been an empty vessel of a man when I'm supposed to be carrying a soul.
It's all been an act of course though I never knew it.
I have been wearing a mask that I have deluded myself into believing does not exist.
How can I know anything if I already know it all?
How can I "fix" anything if the biggest issue in my life has been me?
Today I'll admit I know nothing.
I am open and ready to learn. 

This realization I hope will lead to a better Break Away Experience when I try again. 

Some things that'll be different:

1. I won't smoke meth or crack or get drunk.
2. I'll map out a loose route before I break away.
3. I will have gear. 
4. I will have clear goal and objectives. 
5. I won't be permanently breaking away from society in a futile attempt to run away from my problems. 

This last Break Away Experience was a horrendous failure, yet through it I've learned so much. Not just about how to better live your dreams, but also about myself. 

-Butterfly 🦋 

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