My hope is drifting away

As the snow falls so too do my hopes. Maybe it's just hard because today is valentines day, but really, I must be some kind of fool. A man stuck in a state of delusional thinking. For me to truly believe that losing everything is the best thing to ever happen to me has to be crazy. I miss my car. I miss what I thought was had between me and Lillee. There's so much that I miss. 
It'd be easy to slip out of this madness. Just take the job, get the house, rebuild something. But I'm too far gone and The Break Away Experience is all that I have. 
How can I just turn my back on the only thing that is mine? I can't. I have to see this through. 
I'm just tired. If only I could get some sleep than maybe I'd feel better. If only the snow would melt maybe I could leave Spokane. But to where? I belong nowhere. Maybe I should just die. I hate myself. But isn't that already known? I hate myself so I must stick with The Break Away Experience. It's the only way I know how to find something raw, real, and beautiful. I've tried everything in my power to be loved and to be normal. I've failed. 
So as I watch the snow fall I know too that my hopes are falling. 
I have no faith in this experiment, but in this experiment is all the faith that I can muster.
In the end it will all be ok. I believe that, but I fear what "ok" is going to look like. 

Comments

  1. nFebruary 17, 2025 at 5:40 PM

    i feel u. Ive willed chaos and intesnity into my life for better or for worse in a thousand ways repeatedly. I knew that this will cause me lots of pain but i choose it over monotony and order. I live my life intensely so i may embrace my death tragically. In love with fate. I couldve chosen a much easier path but I reject it every day. Good luck out there. -n

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