A Homeless Drifter & an Open Mic

I'm somebody who is used to hurtful times. I've grown accustomed to being disappointed and I've many times accepted that I'm nothing more than a disappointment. I understand getting in trouble with the cops, I don't find myself uncomfortable around genuinely psychopathic people, and it's nothing for me to find my dinner in a dumpster. I, perhaps foolishly, consider myself pretty fearless.
At least I did before tonight...
I googled open poetry mics a couple weeks ago and today something (There's that "something" I spoke of in this blogs intro appearing again) told me to find one again.
So I did, and lo and behold, it was tonight! I figured "Oh... well now I know. Maybe next week" but screw that procrastination! This is the mother fuckin Break Away Experience dude! And isn't it procrastination that's plagued me for so long in the first place?
It had to be tonight that I broke away from my comfort zone. Next week doesn't exist. So I went.
Let me tell you guys something that I never knew about fear. It makes it hard to breathe. For me I discovered what it feels like to have your heart punch your rib cage and learned the powerlessness of involuntary shaking. As I walked towards the unknown through the subzero streets of Spokane I prayed to whoever's listening to give me the courage not to back down. I actually prayed the whole way to the Neato Burrito.

A poetry open mic is a different animal when compared to cops, or psychos, or judging eyes staring at the "dirty bum". So I prayed because at an open mic there's no enemy and there's nothing to fight against, leaving me uncertain of how to handle my fear. And it didn't help that a woman who is absolutely beautiful walked in as I was signing up for the show and said "Oh hey! Butterfly right"? I couldn't remember her at first, but just having a drop dead gorgeous woman there who knew my name made me want to puke. This was one of the most terrifying experiences of my life. And I'm a guy who has been trapped in a run away car headed towards a cliff before. The open mic was scarier than that! 

I wonder what that says about me? However, it turns out all I had to do was just swallow the fear, accept the pounding of my heart, get up there and do it, then ponder what I'm afraid of to begin with.
Is it possible that I don't truly believe that I'm the coolest person on the planet and that maybe, despite what I've told myself, I actually do care about being accepted by others? Even strangers?
Every experience has something to teach us and everybody has wisdom to offer that we can grow from. So is it possible my efforts to quickly write people off in the past was just a preemptive strike against being rejected?
I believe its likely that I avoided relationships in the past only due to my fear of being disliked. That’s why I judged others. I was insecure.
In the end I am just SO damn happy I did that open mic. It solidified in my heart that "The Break Away Experience" matters.
People were so friendly, intelligent,  and accepting. They loved my poem and I loved theirs.
I even hitched a ride with a guy after the show and we spoke of poetry and authenticity and it's these experiences that I'll carry with me for the rest of my life.
When we live in the moment we may find ourselves saying something that we didn't even know we believed.
When this man spoke to me about how he needs to learn recitation better so he can do poetry "right" I told him that it's not about being "good" it's about being authentic and true to yourself. I called him a thumb print. What.... the..... Hell? A thumb print? But he is. He's unique and his voice matters. He got up there, the same as I did, and he nailed his poem. There's nobody who has ever lived, living now, or who will ever live that could possibly recite that man's poem like he did. He was unique and he was special.
I never believed individual humans were unique before, but now I sure as hell do.
It was scary! 

I thought being the first would be an intimidating experience, but I was the next to last to read and that was terrifying! But I did it and THAT’S what "The Break Away Experience" is all about.
I was bummed I had nobody to film it for my YouTube, but ya know what? The lack of YouTube content left me free to live in the moment and truly EXPERIENCE my surroundings and the scary, new, and kinda weird situation I put myself in and that's what matters. Plus I still have material for the blog.
All in all I'm happy with how things are developing. I don't know where the BAE will take me, but I will most definitely read poetry at another mic.

I'm rambling in this post. Just remember that each of is unique, has a perspective to offer, and is special.

If you're reading this.... YOU are important.

Peace,
-Butterfly