The Break Away Experience

  Perhaps this whole Break Away thing wasn't so much about distancing myself from the world as it was distancing myself from myself. I find I'm in a good place now and yes... this is good, but I wonder now what it is I should do. What should I become now? Today at Temple heard this story: " There was once a prince who lived with his father and mother, the king and queen, in a splendid fashion. He received the finest education and upbringing. To his parents' chagrin, one day the prince went through an identity crisis and came to the conclusion that he was really a turkey and not a human being. Initially, the king and queen thought he was kidding. However, after he stopped joining them at the royal table and instead, moved under the table and sat there naked and pecking at crumbs, they knew that serious trouble was afoot. Needless to say, the prince's strange behavior caused indescribable angst for his loving parents, and intense embarrassment for the royal fam...

  I tried to fix too much. I think I like fixing things because I like to view myself as important and want validation. I "surface fix" though. Or at least I fix the wrong shit. I possibly surface fix due to not actually understanding what my root issues are and have failed to discover the seeds of my faulty ways because of an inability to sincerely admit that I do not know and that I need help. Looking back now I see that I do admit my faults, however I have to wonder my motivations for doing so. I mean obviously I do tend to manipulate, and this I feel is made easier when my target views me as vulnerable. So when I cop up to my character defects, when I confess an error, or admit I fall short am I truly doing it for the sake of transparency? I'm sure at times the answer can be a resounding yes, though I believe I may be unaware of my own true heart and that most times the answer is no. I have always believed that the best lies incorporate a truth. A twist here, a be...

Where do I even begin? I've laughed, I've loved, I've cried tears of joy, sadness, and rage. I am an addict. I am a person.  So here I am again. Lost with no purpose.  I have walked the plains, I've sought shelter in a wild animals den while the coyotes screamed. I have walked. I've been walking my entire life. But to where?  I like to say "Why must it be that I'm running away? Can't it be that I'm running towards"?  But I have to be honest with myself. I have been running away. I'm running away from myself as quickly as I know how. But I'm still here. Always I am still here.  My running led me to the crack pipe.  I won't go out like that.  So here I am again. In another hospital. Lord may it be the last until my day of death.  -Joseph 

I guess that's it then. A new life somewhere is out there. All past is gone and is lost. They're all gone now. I find myself alone, once again, in a room full of people. I made it through the plains and thats good enough for me. They coyotes were screaming and the light was nowhere to be found. I told God that if he has something to prove, well then the plains was the place to do it. My knife was out as the coyotes teased me in the night when some kid screeched past me in the middle of nowhere. I believe we scared eachother, but he was a friend and had me hop in his truck. Don't ask me how it happened. He doesn't even usually drive through that way, but was avoiding the main roads due to the snowstorm. Perhaps it was divine intervention? I should be dead.  So many times over... I should be dead.  The question now is how? How the fuck am I even alive? Other than Evan of course. Or better yet... why?  Am I supposed to be here or is that just my ego speaking. B...

He died, that's heartbreaking. I wanted to leave. That's known. So much has happened since I left. I haven't spoken of the death, the coyotes,  the plains, the rides. When I rest, I will play some sound, I'll cry, I'll feel, we'll talk. I'm stuck in this truck stop for now. Much love. -Butterfly  P.S don't forget about me 

As the snow falls so too do my hopes. Maybe it's just hard because today is valentines day, but really, I must be some kind of fool. A man stuck in a state of delusional thinking. For me to truly believe that losing everything is the best thing to ever happen to me has to be crazy. I miss my car. I miss what I thought was had between me and Lillee. There's so much that I miss.  It'd be easy to slip out of this madness. Just take the job, get the house, rebuild something. But I'm too far gone and The Break Away Experience is all that I have.  How can I just turn my back on the only thing that is mine? I can't. I have to see this through.  I'm just tired. If only I could get some sleep than maybe I'd feel better. If only the snow would melt maybe I could leave Spokane. But to where? I belong nowhere. Maybe I should just die. I hate myself. But isn't that already known? I hate myself so I must stick with The Break Away Experience. It's the ...