The Break Away Experience

I don't think anybody reads this blog anymore due to me going AWOL and almost dying, buuuuuuut..... I applied for Fasfa AND directly to college today!!!  Because of a lifetime of practicing poor decision making I'm a little concerned I might not get accepted. However, even if I don't get accepted for the Winter classes I want I know for certain that "if there's a will there IS a way"!  There is always a way bro. Always.  If I get into the classes I'm hopeful for, the degree I get will help with my long term goals for The Break Away Experience. I have big big plans for the BAE. It legit keeps me up at night just thinking about it.  And this degree will put me in a position to help people who are like me. For those who have seen my Reddit you know that's why I started this whole thing. I want to help people. And yes my ego played a part, but I'm working on that haha.  This degree may even open doors for world travel!!!  So if you read this please sho...

I could say that it's as though I'm floating on a cloud lately. I could say the way I've been feeling is equivalent to the feeling of seeing lights ahead, walking through a blizzard, when you have thought only death could be your next destination.  I could say these things, but why be dramatic? This need for the theatric is but only my ego wanting to be seen, heard, felt, and acknowledged.  So why not keep it simple instead? Today I am happy. That is all. Today I am happy, and content, and at peace.  The unbelievable has happened.  The dream has been made real in the waking world, and though it starts small. It's there.  I am so happy I've been allowed to survive the wreckage. Many haven't, but by nothing other than perhaps pure chance I am still here to experience life.  I am blessed.  Today I am allowed to dream. For this I send my gratitude to whatever God is willing to hear my thankfulness. Thank you!  I think I will stay in Spokane through th...

  Perhaps this whole Break Away thing wasn't so much about distancing myself from the world as it was distancing myself from myself. I find I'm in a good place now and yes... this is good, but I wonder now what it is I should do. What should I become now? Today at Temple heard this story: " There was once a prince who lived with his father and mother, the king and queen, in a splendid fashion. He received the finest education and upbringing. To his parents' chagrin, one day the prince went through an identity crisis and came to the conclusion that he was really a turkey and not a human being. Initially, the king and queen thought he was kidding. However, after he stopped joining them at the royal table and instead, moved under the table and sat there naked and pecking at crumbs, they knew that serious trouble was afoot. Needless to say, the prince's strange behavior caused indescribable angst for his loving parents, and intense embarrassment for the royal fam...

  I tried to fix too much. I think I like fixing things because I like to view myself as important and want validation. I "surface fix" though. Or at least I fix the wrong shit. I possibly surface fix due to not actually understanding what my root issues are and have failed to discover the seeds of my faulty ways because of an inability to sincerely admit that I do not know and that I need help. Looking back now I see that I do admit my faults, however I have to wonder my motivations for doing so. I mean obviously I do tend to manipulate, and this I feel is made easier when my target views me as vulnerable. So when I cop up to my character defects, when I confess an error, or admit I fall short am I truly doing it for the sake of transparency? I'm sure at times the answer can be a resounding yes, though I believe I may be unaware of my own true heart and that most times the answer is no. I have always believed that the best lies incorporate a truth. A twist here, a be...

Where do I even begin? I've laughed, I've loved, I've cried tears of joy, sadness, and rage. I am an addict. I am a person.  So here I am again. Lost with no purpose.  I have walked the plains, I've sought shelter in a wild animals den while the coyotes screamed. I have walked. I've been walking my entire life. But to where?  I like to say "Why must it be that I'm running away? Can't it be that I'm running towards"?  But I have to be honest with myself. I have been running away. I'm running away from myself as quickly as I know how. But I'm still here. Always I am still here.  My running led me to the crack pipe.  I won't go out like that.  So here I am again. In another hospital. Lord may it be the last until my day of death.  -Joseph 

I guess that's it then. A new life somewhere is out there. All past is gone and is lost. They're all gone now. I find myself alone, once again, in a room full of people. I made it through the plains and thats good enough for me. They coyotes were screaming and the light was nowhere to be found. I told God that if he has something to prove, well then the plains was the place to do it. My knife was out as the coyotes teased me in the night when some kid screeched past me in the middle of nowhere. I believe we scared eachother, but he was a friend and had me hop in his truck. Don't ask me how it happened. He doesn't even usually drive through that way, but was avoiding the main roads due to the snowstorm. Perhaps it was divine intervention? I should be dead.  So many times over... I should be dead.  The question now is how? How the fuck am I even alive? Other than Evan of course. Or better yet... why?  Am I supposed to be here or is that just my ego speaking. B...